Documented Debacles of the Ancients

By Hannah Hall

Tasked with finding “Funny stories from history,” Hannah encountered a cornucopia of outrageous events that make history a little more interesting.–Editor Evan

People have always been ridiculously stupid at times–whether that be through their actions, obsessions, or legends. I’ve scoped out some of the funniest historical moments and made a list–which is kind of my thing. Enjoy these stories, and let me know what you think!

1) Allegedly, when Voltaire was near his death, he was told to renounce the devil. He instead replied, “This is no time to be making new enemies.” I mean, I would want to at least try to be on the good side of the devil before my death, too. (Hilarious Historical, factinate.com).

2) Charles Darwin is widely known for his theory of evolution and his famous trip to the Galapagos Islands. When Darwin arrived on the islands, he discovered giant tortoises and thought that it would be a good idea to try and ride them. (Hilarious Historical, factinate.com).

3) We all know Plato, right? Well, his name actually wasn’t even “Plato.” Historians believe that was just his nickname. Funny enough, his nickname means “broad” in Greek. So all these years, we are actually calling Plato a big hunky man, aaaoooooga! (Greek Philosophers, factinate.com).

4) Speaking of Plato, Diogenes sent him a hand-plucked chicken and “called it a man.” This was a not-so-subtle nod to Plato’s famous quote of man being nothing but a “featherless biped.” His stunt urged Plato to change his interpretation of man to include “with broad flat nails.” (Greek Philosophers, factinate.com).

5) Fidel Castro loved loved loved ice cream. So much so, he actually bred his own kind of cow, called Uber Blanca, that “stands up to heat” and produces “lots of milk.” He loved ice cream so much that he founded an ice cream shop that is still running to this day! Also, Castro was so passionate about his dairy that he would even debate with other global figures about it. (liveabout.com)

6) In Ancient Rome and China, they needed a torture method that didn’t leave a trace. They came up with a method where they would rub salt on the soles of the victim’s feet, then goats would lick it off! (Hilarious Historical, factincate.com)

7) Andrew Jackson had a parrot. Unfortunately, at Jackson’s funeral, guests found out this bird had quite the foul mouth. This bird cursed up such a storm that it not only interrupted the service but had to be removed from the venue completely. Polly wanna shut up? I’m just kidding. (Hilarious Historical, factinate.com)

8) Tycho Brahe, a nobleman who is known for his astronomy and alchemy-related observations, was very proud of his mathematical formulas. He has actually been recorded to have challenged another scientist to a duel who believed his formula was better! In this duel, Brahe’s nose was sliced clean off, resulting in Brahe wearing a prosthetic nose until his death. (liveabout.com)

9) One day, Greek philosopher Chrysippus was feeding figs to his pet donkey. Naturally, he thought that the donkey should wash the figs down with an alcoholic beverage. The donkey of course got drunk, and the sight was so incredible that Chrysippus died of laughing–literally. (Hilarious Historical, factinate.com)

10) Willoughby Bertie had a thoroughbred–one of the most prestigious racehorses in the world. And, this thoroughbred had a unique name. When the horse was a colt, a stable boy was told the horse’s name was Potatoes and noted the name on paper. But he actually didn’t know how to spell “Potatoes.” So, the colt’s official name became “Potatoooooooos.” This name was shortened to “Pot8os” and surely left spectators amused. (liveabout.com)

Sources:

https://www.liveabout.com/hilarious-historical-facts-4154997

Funny Stories from History Editor: Evan Spry