When asked to illuminate a historical period, Levi opted to time travel back to the Middle Ages. His reasons are less . . . humanitarian in nature.
Blog Advisor Zachik
By Levi Kassinove
Some people want to go back in time to kill Hitler, others to their favorite time in history, but I think that the Middle Ages is the best time period to go to. Imagine how fun it’d be to mess with people who don’t know science. I would, however, need to take careful steps to avoid getting burned at the stake.
Part 1: Bringing my Phone
There are many things to do with a phone in the Middle Ages, as long as it’s not directly shown to the people. If someone sees me on my phone, they will think that I can create moving pictures, and therefore burn me at the stake for witchcraft. The best thing that I can do is play ghost sounds and hide the phone underneath some hay or in my pocket as I walk through the streets at night. I could also trick them into thinking I’m an absolute genius by being omniscient, such as knowing when an eclipse would happen and being able to predict when some person of interest would get assassinated. Google is my friend during the Middle Ages. I will be a god.
Note: I will bring a bag of portable chargers, and, since I have time travel technology, I will use an Einstein-Cell-Service-Time-Bridge that gives my phone wifi in the Middle Ages.
Part 2: Immortality
In my rampage of destroying all medieval logic (and modern logic), I will also cease to be affected by the common causes of illness. Water will not give me dysentery because I will boil it, nor will I do anything stupid like eat mercury or whatever they were doing back then. Certainly I would inspect the bread, as it could be infected with ergot, a fungus that can kill you and cause nightmarish hallucinations. I will also protect myself against wound infections by using high-alcohol beverages as antibiotics. I will outlive my peers and therefore be hailed as the immortal genius god emperor. I will need to feign illnesses so as to not raise suspicion, which I will do by coughing occasionally and talking about how bad my diarrhea was last night.
Part 3: Inevitably Getting Burned at the Stake
Not only will I talk completely differently than everyone, but I will also behave much differently. One slip of “dude” and I’m on fire. Plus, I will probably forget to wash my noble’s sheep, which will result in a brutal execution (bustle.com).
allthatsinteresting.com
Dead-pan brilliancy!
Thanks, not everyone NEEDS to do something useful with time travel. I would rather be known as the mysterious wizard used in fairy tales to scare children rather than someone who did something for society. “If you don’t eat these vegetables, a weird man in a cloak playing ghost sounds will appear outside your window tonight, Jimmy!”