How to Become The Alpha 101

The Bird on Fire blog staff voted to explore Power and Leadership as their second theme. Soleil and Sarah took a balanced, high-road approach. Now, it’s time for darker, more scheming, . . . more Machiavellian perspectives.

By Middle-School Alpha, Morgan Richardson

Alphas get a bad rap. But, somebody has to lead the way. There are alphas all throughout the  natural world and in just about every group gathering. This is my step-by-step guide to becoming the infamous alpha. As an experienced alpha, I know the craft well. I’ve practiced on friends, family members, classmates, dogs and cats. I believe that everyone should be able to lead when called upon to be The Alpha.

Step One: Bark or meow to allow other species to know you’re the Alpha. You need to assert dominance loudly.

Step Two: After you’ve claimed your domain, deliver a continued sassy attitude to let others know you are the one-and-only Alpha and you’re here to stay. For instance, you could meddle with the property of those you want to dominate: rip their pencils in half, and “acquire” their lip tints. Another option, laugh at side characters incessantly until they run away. 

Step Three: Optional, but you can urinate on the floor to let people know you own this realm. It works with dogs and cats and some say jellyfish.

Step Four: Never act scared around bigger alphas, even when you’re cornered. Always make sure you don’t appear inferior. Puff yourself out; wear claws; wear your attitude BIG.

Step Five: Call people out on little things–like them stealing your favorite chew toy . . . or best friend.

Step Six: When necessary, don’t be afraid to lie.

Step Seven: Drop throwaway ambiguous lines to keep the less dominant on their toes. Saying “six seven” can mean various things, but since it’s nonsensical, it mostly shows power and dominance and sometimes produces advantageous confusion.

Step Eight: If necessary, step outside your kindness; for example, you can become like Bluey or Peppa Pig. Peppa Pig is mean to her friend Suzy Sheep; Bluey is a dog (and dogs are always alpha), and she is a sassy big sister.

Step Nine: Ignore people; especially side submissive characters. Side characters are irrelevant compared to you. Do we mourn the Star Trek “away teams” we know little about when they’re lost in space? No. Who was King Henry VIII’s brother? We don’t care. Who dated Travis Kelce in high school? Whatever.

Step Ten: Start your villain arc: throw trashcans; wear a shock collar (‘cause shocks intimidatingly don’t faze you); start wearing a black cape. Consider joining Nevan’s Villain Club on campus.

Step Eleven: Remember: You are the main character and the alpha; if this guide does not work, bark until people listen.

Step Twelve: I am the Lorax, Guardian of the Forest, and I say, in the words of The Lorax movie, “LET IT GROW LET IT GROW you can’t reap what you don’t sow plant [The Alpha] seed . . . I say LET IT GROWWWW.”

Source: The Lorax (film) song:chrome-extension://ehnniokiiebpinnfegpkdlcamgdcaaje/block_screen.html?id=ad1169d5-65a7-4a4c-bb32-89c058fcc547