the bird on fire

The Bird is the Word: Sophisticated Schoolyard Shenanigans

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If Horror-Film Characters Were Rational

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By Brennan Nick

 

“Hey, Joe! Do you want to go check out that abandoned lighthouse?”

“No, Stan. If you go there you’re just asking to break your leg.”

“Come on, we don’t have to climb to the top, just check out the place.”

“Alright, I’ll get the flashlights”

“We don’t need flashlights, Joe.”

“Yes, we do. It’s already dusk. By the time we get there it’ll be dark.”

“You know what? Scratch the lighthouse idea, let’s go exploring around the closed factory out of town.”

“We still need flashlights.”

“Fine, we’ll bring flashlights”

“Okay, great, but I wasn’t aware that flashlights make you invulnerable from twisted, broken ankles.”

“You’re no fun today, Joe…”

“Look, it’s getting late; I’m gonna go home down the main road that is very well lit and with many people on it.”

“Wow, Mr. Super-Safety Joe going down the well-lit road, where’s your sense of adventure?!”

“Fine then! We can go to the lighthouse tomorrow afternoon.”

“No, you ruined the lighthouse for me and the factory, too. We’ll go to the haunted house on the hill.”

“Ghosts aren’t real…”

“Then we’ll go to the totally normal, but creepy and vacated house on the hill tomorrow NIGHT and then…”

“Woah, Woah, Woah, if we’re going to go tomorrow why would you specifically wait until night?”

“For the sense of adventure! Joe, you just have to see it for yourself to understand what I mean. If we did it during the day, we’d just be going through an old house.”

“We’d be much less likely to hurt ourselves…”

“You really are not any fun today.”

“…”

Editor: Claire Jenkins

Her Love (Flash Fiction)

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By Charles Schnell

Courtney only joined the soccer team for one reason: the boy she liked was on the team. She never played the sport, thought she would hate it. But she still joined.

Weeks passed, and she kept improving and improving. Not for her own sake, but to impress the boy. She needed to be the best girl on the team.

The team played their first game. She was put in as a substitution late in the game. However, as more and more games passed, the coach increased her playtime. And eventually, after many months of hard training, she was a starter.  

The playoffs came around; their team was in. Courtney was getting closer with the boy. Although, this was not the only reason Courtney was happy. When the coach announced that they were in, she felt a weird feeling in the pit of her stomach. She didn’t understand it, but she felt pure joy. She was exuberant that they made it. For the first time during the whole season, the boy wasn’t on her mind. For the first time in her whole life, she felt she found what she was searching for, the place where she was meant to be. She couldn’t fully grasp that feeling. So, she returned to dreaming about the boy after the meeting. She never understood the feeling.

The day before the first game of playoffs, the boy got in a car accident and died.

The team lost the first round.

Heartbroken and bewildered, Courtney quit the team, vowing to never touch a soccer ball again.

Three years of her life passed. Three empty years. The day still haunted her.

Not the day he died, although that was a significant contributor to the empty confusion. It was the day they lost the first round. Without a trophy and her purpose for even playing the game, she quit.

Still, after all the years, she felt as if a piece of her life was… missing. She couldn’t put her finger on it. She could merely live with the confusion, the incompleteness.

One day, she was at a park after school. Some girls that continued on with the team were having a scrimmage. They hadn’t made the playoffs since then.

They all recognized Courtney, waved her over, and asked if she wanted to play soccer.

Then, she was overcome with distant but vivid memories of the field: the cheers of her teammates, the ball flying seemingly atop the grass, the sun setting over the mountains. None of the memories contained just the boy. They were all about soccer. The sport. The game.

She ran over with a slight smile, and they played till the sky went dark.

Editor: Shelby Armor

Halloween Special: Stupid Superstitions

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By Blogger Renée

 

As some of you samhainophobics may know, it is almost the dreaded day of your fears, Halloween. And how else should we honor this glorious day but with a glorious top 13 list! So here we are now to dive into the world of superstitions.

  1. If a black butterfly or moth lands on you (sometimes more specifically on your left shoulder), you will die in less than a year.
  2. During the New Year, wear red underwear for good luck and put new shiny coins with the heads side up on the windowsill.
  3. Trimming nails at night will bring you bad luck or in some cultures premature death.  
  4. Complimenting a newborn baby will bring it bad luck; this is believed in several cultures.
  5. Never, ever, put shoes on a bed; this will bring death.
  6. Don’t sleep or go outside if it’s cold with wet hair; this will bring you a deathly pneumonia.
  7. To bring in good luck for the New Year, eat twelve grapes (one for each month) and make wishes on each of them; you must eat them in the first two minutes of the New Year.
  8. The numbers four, six, thirteen, fourteen, seventeen and six hundred sixty six are bad luck and can even signal death or the devil.
  9. Black cats bring bad luck. There are multiple superstitions about black cats being bad luck: if they lead you under a ladder, cross your path, put their back to you, look at you in the eyes, they will bring you terrible luck or death.
  10. Never wash a baby’s clothes at night. Bad spirits or the devil will come if you wash baby clothes or hang them out to dry at night.  
  11. Whistling indoors brings the devil and general bad luck. Or death.
  12. You should tuck your thumbs into your fists when passing a cemetery to protect your parents.
  13. Don’t post a blog post about superstitions on Friday the 13th or 13 terrible things may happen…*

*Originally prepared on Friday the 13th.

 

Editor: Claire Jenkins

Welcome to Pete’s Declassified School Survival Guide Volume 2!

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By Senior Blogger Peter Kadel

Emergency survival–Yesterday we participated in the Great California Shakeout, intended to prepare the people of California for the looming doomsday-level earthquake that is sure to destroy modern society. In the spirit of emergency preparedness, I have carefully constructed this comprehensive guide to counsel you in the correct conduct in the face of catastrophe. I will draw on my own vast experience as an avid outdoorsman.

 

Earthquakes–The main thing to remember in this situation is that a negative plus a negative equals a positive; using this proven mathematical formula, it can be inferred that if you start shaking yourself the kinetic energy will cancel out the effects of the tremor in your immediate area. This effect is amplified if you have a middle-school student with you. Simply shake the middle schooler as well as yourself to increase the range of stillness, allowing you to limit the damage caused. If this fails, then run as fast as you can to escape the tremors.

 

Flooding–Drink Water.

 

Sand Storms (Haboob)–The biggest risk posed by severe swirling sandstorms suddenly sliding across the desert is the decreased visibility. Deal with this by taping binoculars to your face so you can see further through the flying dust. The second biggest risk is damage to your clothes, and you wouldn’t want that, so if you can’t find shelter during a sandstorm, you should remove your clothes, soak them in water (so they stay fresh), then quickly bury them so they stay clean. There is no need to worry about bodily harm from the sand. Humans have lived in desert climates for many years, so that means they must be adapted to the conditions found in the desert or else they wouldn’t live there. After all, it would be madness to live somewhere where you have no chance of surviving without modern technology.

 

Drought–Drink water.

 

Tornado–The calm is found in the eye of the storm; this is true for tornados as well. So in order to survive a tornado, the first thing you should do is run or drive as fast as possible towards the tornado. If you do it right, you will reach the oasis-like eye of the storm. Once you are there, spin in the opposite direction to stop the storm.

 

Lightning–Stand in water.

 

Zombie Attack–If you believe that this post will actually help you survive, then the zombies won’t chase you because you are already brainless. If you aren’t brainless, just keep a brainless person with you (a Morty) to drown out your brainwaves so the zombies won’t find you. Pete says, “A good place to find a brainless person would be State or National Congress.”

Editor: Makena Behnke

*Note: This is satire. Please, do not stand in water during lightning, etc. Results may vary. Please consult your doctor before adhering to advice found in “Pete’s Declassified.” Note: the words of Pete Declassified do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Blog @ thebirdonfire.org.

A Rant on Pro Athletes Sitting It Out

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By Sports Enthusiast and Guest Blogger Daniel Romo

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One of the main issues with the NBA is resting, especially during nationally televised games. This past off season, the NBA commissioner Adam Silver addressed this issue. He announced that if a team rests any player, the team will be fined $100k. Now, explain this to me. You get paid millions to play basketball, and that is the job choice you selected. They didn’t just randomly select you; you put yourself in the draft. Then, you end up complaining about playing too many games? You chose this lifestyle, and you are getting paid millions (hundreds of millions for some players) to play basketball. Some players complain about the schedule being too hard or that there is too much travel. Back in the days, NBA teams had to fly commercial; they didn’t have private jets like teams have now. No NBA player should be complaining about this, and I think the commissioner should have raised the fine to a million! NBA fans pay a lot of money to see their favorite player on the court just to hear that player will rest and not appear in the game. The fan dismay encouraged the commissioner to establish the fine. Thank you for joining me during my rant.
Editor: Charles Schnell

The Shroud–A Fairy Tale Re-Telling

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Graphic design also by Harlow Berny

Retold by Harlow Berny

Centuries ago, in a long forgotten kingdom, there was a simple mother who had a child of seven years of age who was so handsome and lovable that whomever crossed his path and saw him would immediately have a smile upon their face. His mother had cherished him above all else in her life. It just so happens that this child became sick with a common cold; God had decided to bring the child to himself, and the mother could not contain her grief and wept both day and night. Soon after the funeral, however, an apparition of the child would appear at night in places that the child had been when he was alive. Whenever the mother wept, the ghost would weep as well, and he would disappear when the sun rose. The mother still wept day and night, but on one of those nights, the ghost appeared in the white shroud he was buried in with a wreath of flowers on his head. He walked to the foot of his mother’s bed and said to her, “Mommy, please don’t cry for me at night anymore, or I may never rest in my coffin, for my shroud will not dry in the cold, sunless night whilst your tears fall upon it.” When the mother heard this, she immediately choked back her tears and took deep breaths, waiting for the sun to shine until she wept again. The next night, the child came back, this time holding a bright, glowing cloth in his hands. ”Look, Mommy,” said the child, “my shroud is dry, now I can rest and go to heaven!” The mother hugged her child, said one last goodbye, and saw her child’s ghost fade away as the sun shone upon him. She continued to cry in the day, but she cried less knowing that her son was in a brighter, dryer place.

Editor: Reneé Vazquez

 

Re-Telling of Grimm’s

UPDATE ON CASE #4501: Loss of Witness

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Report submitted by Detectives Shelby Armor & Claire Jenkins

Jackson Dean, witness to the infamous perpetrator letter drop, was found deceased yesterday. Freshman Makena Behnke reported the incident to Captain Peter Kadel of the PVS Police Department. A full autopsy report is being worked up to examine the cause of death, but there are no signs of struggle. Dean was found with his textbooks, backpack, and his leftover lunch in the student lounge. The contents included a bag of chips and a half-eaten apple. This is the second incident on the Palm Valley campus–the investigation into the demise of Ben Snyder is ongoing. Detectives Jenkins and Armor are still investigating the motive and the facts of both events. Write a comment if you have any tips or have seen anything regarding the case of Snyder and now Dean.

 

*Disclaimer: This series is a Work of Fiction. No students have been harmed in the making of this story.

 

 

A Post on Post Malone

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By Freelance Music Critic & Guest Blogger Holden Hartle

In recent weeks, I have come to a shocking conclusion; Post Malone is one of the greatest artists of our generation. Now I realize how I’ve already offended people and this is only the second sentence, but I have my reasons. Hear me out.

First of all, he has an amazing backstory. In an interview with Noisey, he explains that school wasn’t really his thing. So, on very short notice and with no money, he moved to Los Angeles with a friend on a promise that he would eventually pay him back. Post was huge into gaming. One day, he went to a friend’s house who told him to check out this new game. The game was Guitar Hero 2. This started Post’s ambition towards pursuing music as an actual career.

Then he came out with “White Iverson.” After years and years of waiting, he finally released it. And boy did it blow up. He released the song on his Soundcloud account and soon afterwards the song went four times platinum and reached number fourteen on the US Billboard Hot 100.

“White Iverson” brings me to my second point, his beats. “White Iverson” features a typical hip hop drum beat, but a beautiful piano in the background. Now I have never really liked R & B, but Post Malone is changing my mind. “White Iverson” just speaks to me in a way that no other song has in the past couple years.

My final point is his personality. Post definitely has a style, and it’s not necessarily orthodox. He has admitted to wearing tuxedos everyday to school in his childhood. He has also admitted to wearing penny loafers and jeans that would go up to his belly button. All of these allude to the fact that he doesn’t care about what anyone thinks. He is his own person and that’s all that matters. I think we can all learn something from Post in that aspect.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Editor: Claire Jenkins

An Ode to Tom Petty

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By Guest Blogger and Music Critic Holden Hartle

This is the story of a boy who grew up to be one of the greatest rockstars to ever live. I feel very thankful that I was able to see him in concert before he passed. This man was a blessing to the music world and to anyone who heard his music.

He started in Gainesville, Florida. His father was abusive, but he found a safe haven with music. He dropped out of high school at the age of seventeen to pursue a career with his band at the time, Mudcrutch. The band moved to Los Angeles but fell apart shortly after. However, after hearing a demo that his former bandmates made, they rekindled the fire of making music under the new name, Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers.

Front man Tom Petty played a beautiful twelve-string guitar and had the perfect raspy voice for the era. After the not-so-great sales of their first album, they opened for Nils Lofgren. Within weeks they were headlining and their album was on the British charts. The Heartbreakers were gaining momentum amongst the music world. This momentum led to great success in their next few albums.

While making their sixth studio album, which took three years, Petty was frustrated because he couldn’t think of any lyrics to write. So, he punched the nearest wall, breaking his left hand. Apparently, something clicked. The album featured the song “Don’t Come Around Here No More,” which became a number thirteen hit on the charts.

Finally, in 1989, Tom Petty came out with the solo album entitled, Full Moon Fever. This song features the classic Petty song that everyone can sing along to, “Free Fallin’.”

Tom Petty gave the world some of the most beautiful songs the world has ever heard. Songs like “American Girl,” “I Won’t Back Down,” and of course, “Free Fallin’” are songs which everyone can appreciate, no matter what generation. He will forever be missed. Rest in peace, and thank you, Tom Petty.

Editor: Peter Kadel

Sources referenced:

https://www.biography.com/people/tom-petty-201299

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/artists/tom-petty/biography