the bird on fire

The Bird is the Word: Sophisticated Schoolyard Shenanigans

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If Horror-Film Characters Were Rational

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By Brennan Nick

 

“Hey, Joe! Do you want to go check out that abandoned lighthouse?”

“No, Stan. If you go there you’re just asking to break your leg.”

“Come on, we don’t have to climb to the top, just check out the place.”

“Alright, I’ll get the flashlights”

“We don’t need flashlights, Joe.”

“Yes, we do. It’s already dusk. By the time we get there it’ll be dark.”

“You know what? Scratch the lighthouse idea, let’s go exploring around the closed factory out of town.”

“We still need flashlights.”

“Fine, we’ll bring flashlights”

“Okay, great, but I wasn’t aware that flashlights make you invulnerable from twisted, broken ankles.”

“You’re no fun today, Joe…”

“Look, it’s getting late; I’m gonna go home down the main road that is very well lit and with many people on it.”

“Wow, Mr. Super-Safety Joe going down the well-lit road, where’s your sense of adventure?!”

“Fine then! We can go to the lighthouse tomorrow afternoon.”

“No, you ruined the lighthouse for me and the factory, too. We’ll go to the haunted house on the hill.”

“Ghosts aren’t real…”

“Then we’ll go to the totally normal, but creepy and vacated house on the hill tomorrow NIGHT and then…”

“Woah, Woah, Woah, if we’re going to go tomorrow why would you specifically wait until night?”

“For the sense of adventure! Joe, you just have to see it for yourself to understand what I mean. If we did it during the day, we’d just be going through an old house.”

“We’d be much less likely to hurt ourselves…”

“You really are not any fun today.”

“…”

Editor: Claire Jenkins

Welcome to Pete’s Declassified School Survival Guide Volume 2!

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By Senior Blogger Peter Kadel

Emergency survival–Yesterday we participated in the Great California Shakeout, intended to prepare the people of California for the looming doomsday-level earthquake that is sure to destroy modern society. In the spirit of emergency preparedness, I have carefully constructed this comprehensive guide to counsel you in the correct conduct in the face of catastrophe. I will draw on my own vast experience as an avid outdoorsman.

 

Earthquakes–The main thing to remember in this situation is that a negative plus a negative equals a positive; using this proven mathematical formula, it can be inferred that if you start shaking yourself the kinetic energy will cancel out the effects of the tremor in your immediate area. This effect is amplified if you have a middle-school student with you. Simply shake the middle schooler as well as yourself to increase the range of stillness, allowing you to limit the damage caused. If this fails, then run as fast as you can to escape the tremors.

 

Flooding–Drink Water.

 

Sand Storms (Haboob)–The biggest risk posed by severe swirling sandstorms suddenly sliding across the desert is the decreased visibility. Deal with this by taping binoculars to your face so you can see further through the flying dust. The second biggest risk is damage to your clothes, and you wouldn’t want that, so if you can’t find shelter during a sandstorm, you should remove your clothes, soak them in water (so they stay fresh), then quickly bury them so they stay clean. There is no need to worry about bodily harm from the sand. Humans have lived in desert climates for many years, so that means they must be adapted to the conditions found in the desert or else they wouldn’t live there. After all, it would be madness to live somewhere where you have no chance of surviving without modern technology.

 

Drought–Drink water.

 

Tornado–The calm is found in the eye of the storm; this is true for tornados as well. So in order to survive a tornado, the first thing you should do is run or drive as fast as possible towards the tornado. If you do it right, you will reach the oasis-like eye of the storm. Once you are there, spin in the opposite direction to stop the storm.

 

Lightning–Stand in water.

 

Zombie Attack–If you believe that this post will actually help you survive, then the zombies won’t chase you because you are already brainless. If you aren’t brainless, just keep a brainless person with you (a Morty) to drown out your brainwaves so the zombies won’t find you. Pete says, “A good place to find a brainless person would be State or National Congress.”

Editor: Makena Behnke

*Note: This is satire. Please, do not stand in water during lightning, etc. Results may vary. Please consult your doctor before adhering to advice found in “Pete’s Declassified.” Note: the words of Pete Declassified do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Blog @ thebirdonfire.org.

The TRUTH About Canada

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*Ms. Zachik talked about Irony today in English class. This is totally true.

By Brennan Nick

It has become apparent that due to new evidence of the populations of a certain furry rodent, the national security of the United States and its northern neighbor, Canada, are now under an unprecedented threat. With the advent of satellite pictures and increased scientific research of the Canadian north, we have found that gophers are congregating and building up their numbers in an advanced underground dirt complex located in northeastern Alberta. Why are they doing this? Let’s take a closer look. American explorer, Rob Mark, was the first person ever to visit “it,” and what he found was frightening. When he reached the gophers’ home after a 200-mile-long trek, he saw what we’re really up against. Although only seeing one gopher, no doubt the rest were underground hiding from him trying to cover up their operations. What he did see, in his own words, was, “What… I witnessed… was… an…engineering marvel… that was… frightening.” He then used the words, “They were… angry… but…industrious…animals…and were…preparing to–….They had…helicopters!”

*Disclaimer: the previous quotes were lightly edited.

These gophers are poised to create a small, elite army in the coming years that, within the first month of their invasions, I project that they will be able to overrun everywhere from Alberta to British Columbia to Northern Wisconsin. Their army numbers in the thousands with their average soldier looking like this:

 

We can also see previous attempts of gopherite control in the United States in the 2010 Congressional Election when a candidate for Montana’s At-Large District, Melinda Gopher, tried to take control of the state during the election. The important thing to note here is that she is named GOPHER and that she is a supposed native from the northwest of the state, directly bordering Alberta, Canada. Is this a coincidence? I think not!

Furthermore, this is not a joke, this is not some fringe idea, this is not some tin foil hat, snake oil, scam (I pinky promise! swearsies!). This is not something to be ignored. Advanced and extensive military action must be taken to curb the strength of this hostile gopher society. Others have reported on this as well. Other experts have had articles dedicated to Rob Mark’s discovery on DailyMail, Independent, CBC, Telegraph, and other smaller news sources. It is now the time to take action against the threat posed by the gophers to the north. Join the Gopher Defense Society today!

Editor: A.J. Patencio