Non-COVID-19 Passports That Reduce Your Risk to Society

A prompt inspired by Zach Zimmerman from the April 19, 2021, New Yorker

Image may contain Human Person and Text — Illustration by Luci Gutiérrez

While electronic vaccine passports are being debated, consensus is forming around several other passports that would communicate the level of danger you pose to the world. Here are some “passports” from The New Yorker and thebirdonfire.org staffers:

Flip-Flops Passport

Discloses when you last wore flip-flops in a non-nautical setting.

Sobbed-During-“Nomadland” Passport

Identifies that you cried during Swankie’s farewell monologue.

Magic-Trick-on-a-First-Date Passport

Confirms that you have never performed a card trick on a first date with a potential romantic partner.

From alumnus Erik Bearman:

Joe-Mama Passport

Documents how often you tell jokes about someone’s moms.

From senior Sara Habibipour:

Unseasoned Chicken Passports

Documents what spices you use to season your chicken. If you only use salt…get out.

Toilet-Paper Hogger

Documents how much toilet paper you hoarded from the shelves. Don’t think that we didn’t notice, Karen…

From current blogger Roman Rickwood:

Do-you-even-lift bro passport

Confirms that you are telling the truth about your PRs in the gym.

From alumnus Hannah Hall:

Long-time-no-see Passport

Marks the amount of times you have told an old friend you should “get coffee sometime” and not spoken ever again.

From alumnus Elizabeth Shay:

5-Second Rule Passport

Demonstrates the last time you have justified consumption of a fallen food using this “foolproof” argument.

From alumnus Jake Sonderman:

Dasani Passport

Confirms that you drink Dasani water. Gross.

Diet Coke Passport

“I have never seen a thin person drinking diet coke.” – Donald J Trump

Country-Music Passport

This passport gets you discounts on Stagecoach tickets but doesn’t let you within 200 miles of the Capitol Building.

From alumnus Evan Spry:

Dog-Approval Passport

A passport that discloses the overwhelming opinion that dogs have about you.

Last year’s Blog class was assigned the following prompt:

“First, grant me my sense of history,” writes Agha Shahid Ali in his poem “The Wolf’s Postscript to ‘Little Red Riding Hood’” in which he reimagines the classic fairy tale from the perspective of the story’s villain. “And then grant me my generous sense of plot: / Couldn’t I have gobbled her up / right there in the jungle?” The poem offers a complicated portrait of the “Big Bad Wolf,” including disturbing confessions and provocative questions that reexamine this allegory and consider the power of perspective in storytelling.
Poets&Writers

Write a brief story, recollection, or poem that explores the perspective of a villain in a children’s story. What new information will you include about this character? What, perhaps, was left out of the story?

Now-graduate Jake Sonderman wrote the following reply. Can you guess from which villainous perspective he writes?

I often think back to what the turning point was. Obviously it was a special situation, we had to survive on our own on that island. I have a lot of respect for Ralph in recollection. He was truly an adult and I think we would’ve all made it if we had just listened to him. I think we had all been so sequestered from the real world growing up, that once we got a taste for the hunt, the adrenaline, we became entranced. We crossed the line with Simon. I think about him everyday. It was all of us, collectively and individually, that killed him that night. I’ve thought about confessing, for all of the murders. When we were rescued, and the families of those boys didn’t see their children, there were many questions. We had no answers. As a boy, you don’t appreciate the importance of confessing. I have no doubt in my mind that every boy, even Ralph, thinks about Simon every day as I do, and will never have peace until they confess. I’m sorry, Simon. You were innocent in every possible way and were murdered for it.

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