By Junior Levi Kassinove
Meet Potter, formerly of the Kassinove household. Below is his story of escape as told by Potter himself.
Note: This story is loosely based on real events in my life. All methods of escape were really executed by my hamster 10 years ago.
1200 Hours
Although I do not know my birth name, the name given to me by the curly-haired human is Potter. For posterity, I am currently typing this via a nanoscale jerry-rigged Raspberry Pi that I smuggled inside of my cheeks on my way out of PetSmart, along with a tiny monitor and keyboard, of course. Either my cheeks are THAT big, or I’ve essentially made a quantum computer, hehe. Anyway, I need to get out of here. This cage is insulting…to my intelligence. I used the human to get out of PetSmart, which was the first step in my plan to gain total freedom. Now, I just need to escape this hippo’s house. Man, I feel like Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk. In other words, me small: curly-haired human big like whale. I’ll be right back; Fee Fi Foh Fum is coming.
Update 1: 1220 Hours
Eughgh, what does he think I am? A stress ball? Oh, I didn’t mean to write that. I have to find a way to turn off speech to text, or maybe I should just stop talking to myself. Whatever, it helps me keep my head clear. I’m going to need a clear head if I want to escape this godforsaken place. My cage has about the same area as a 2×1 square if measured in bananas. The dogs are always barking at the wind, and the house smells…unnatural. I want to know what the Earth smells like, and how it feels to walk on its dirt. I will wait until nightfall to execute my escape plan. This cage doesn’t even have a lock; it’s just a door on the roof. I bet I can pop it open with brute force…
Update 2: 2300 Hours
Unfortunately, eyesight is not one of my redeeming qualities. After wandering aimlessly around the house for a while, I started to worry that I may eventually bump into one of the dogs. So, I am currently hiding camping out in a closet for the night. I did memorize the location of several windows, however, and so I will make my great escape tomorrow night. I had also planned for this eventuality. Before I left, I stored some bedding in my cheeks to sleep on.
Update 3: 0100 Hours (Next Day)
They found me. Those porpoises laughed at me for 5 whole minutes before returning me to my cage. This time, they taped the roof shut. Luckily there’s a circular backdoor used to attach those spine-deforming overpriced tubes to “keep us entertained.” All I have to do is twist off the cap…
Update 4: 0500 Hours
At this time of day, the house is somewhat illuminated, but the giant sloths are still asleep. It should be the perfect time to escape; however, cheekiness has taken over me. On my way out, I was struck by a conviction. I should scare the humans as a parting gift. And so, that is how I ended up spending the better part of an hour resting on top of the curly-haired human’s brother’s head. I am currently waiting for him to wake up. Muahahahhaha
Update 5: 1300 Hours
Although my back may be bruised after being flung against a wall, hearing the screams of the blonde gorilla was totally worth it. But, now, I am in a bit of a pickle. Instead of buying me a new cage with a lock, which I could easily escape from, those penny-pinchers just taped the backdoor shut. I am left with no choice but to use my ultimate weapon…
Update 6: Who cares about human time? I’m free!
I don’t know the point of labeling tape “biodegradable” if it can’t be safely eaten by a hamster. I feel like I poisoned myself. No matter, I can finally see the moon. And soon, I will see the sun. But…this place…it’s suburban. I still have a long way to go before I can find a decent forest or mountain or whatever my natural habitat is. Until then, this is Potter signing off.
