By Senior Blogger Peter Kadel
Emergency survival–Yesterday we participated in the Great California Shakeout, intended to prepare the people of California for the looming doomsday-level earthquake that is sure to destroy modern society. In the spirit of emergency preparedness, I have carefully constructed this comprehensive guide to counsel you in the correct conduct in the face of catastrophe. I will draw on my own vast experience as an avid outdoorsman.
Earthquakes–The main thing to remember in this situation is that a negative plus a negative equals a positive; using this proven mathematical formula, it can be inferred that if you start shaking yourself the kinetic energy will cancel out the effects of the tremor in your immediate area. This effect is amplified if you have a middle-school student with you. Simply shake the middle schooler as well as yourself to increase the range of stillness, allowing you to limit the damage caused. If this fails, then run as fast as you can to escape the tremors.
Flooding–Drink Water.
Sand Storms (Haboob)–The biggest risk posed by severe swirling sandstorms suddenly sliding across the desert is the decreased visibility. Deal with this by taping binoculars to your face so you can see further through the flying dust. The second biggest risk is damage to your clothes, and you wouldn’t want that, so if you can’t find shelter during a sandstorm, you should remove your clothes, soak them in water (so they stay fresh), then quickly bury them so they stay clean. There is no need to worry about bodily harm from the sand. Humans have lived in desert climates for many years, so that means they must be adapted to the conditions found in the desert or else they wouldn’t live there. After all, it would be madness to live somewhere where you have no chance of surviving without modern technology.
Drought–Drink water.
Tornado–The calm is found in the eye of the storm; this is true for tornados as well. So in order to survive a tornado, the first thing you should do is run or drive as fast as possible towards the tornado. If you do it right, you will reach the oasis-like eye of the storm. Once you are there, spin in the opposite direction to stop the storm.
Lightning–Stand in water.
Zombie Attack–If you believe that this post will actually help you survive, then the zombies won’t chase you because you are already brainless. If you aren’t brainless, just keep a brainless person with you (a Morty) to drown out your brainwaves so the zombies won’t find you. Pete says, “A good place to find a brainless person would be State or National Congress.”
Editor: Makena Behnke
*Note: This is satire. Please, do not stand in water during lightning, etc. Results may vary. Please consult your doctor before adhering to advice found in “Pete’s Declassified.” Note: the words of Pete Declassified do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Blog @ thebirdonfire.org.
bodies (think of those Word Refrigerator Magnets we use to phrase and re-phrase). We used Applause-o’-Meter to determine the winners. 1st place? Adam McDonald and Elliot McGrew for their sung (yes, in harmony) haiku “Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (fear of long words) TABLE.” 2nd place went to a Dr. Carr-orchestrated “To enchant, to travel, to . . . fantasize.” Giant bars of chocolate were awarded the two teams. A bowl of taffy went to the Honorable Mention provided by the Baseball Team: “Hold on! Shake and Bake!” The delightful day was the brainchild of Mr. Griffin in celebration of National Poetry Month. 
some food, we drove to the train tracks. As soon as we dropped the tailgate, hungry villagers appeared out of nowhere. We sliced turkey, dished potatoes, and handed out oranges. At first it was awkward; I had never done anything like this before. I couldn’t understand them; they couldn’t understand me. One by one the Mexican children smiled; I smiled back. Later, I surprised myself by playing football in the desert.
Yes, I’m Chinese
here, one in the Czech Republic.) It was already very unfortunate for me having to study for two high schools, but it was necessary to have it done. My journey was planned to begin on the 15th of December. I was all packed and went to a nice brunch with Trey. We were sitting in the restaurant with plates full of pancakes, talking and enjoying our last moments before I left when I remembered to check my flight, making sure everything was still planned and on time. To my surprise, it said that my flight was delayed by about five hours! There was no way this could work because I was flying from Palm Springs to Denver where I was supposed to have only a 45-minute layover. So, Trey and I went to the airport early to ask “What’s going on?!” When we arrived, a man working for United confirmed that I will indeed be missing my flight to Denver by exactly five hours. I started freaking out, so he said he would try to find another flight to get me to Czech on time. It was about 12:45 p.m., and the man finally found another flight and said I can fly to San Francisco, but I would have to go now, because the flight takes off in a little less than ten minutes. Not knowing that I would have to run to my gate, I had left my luggage and purse in Trey’s car so he had to run for it. They didn’t even let me put luggage on the belt and told me to run. So I took my purse, said bye To Trey, and ran to my gate. I had to pass all the TSA checkpoints and everyone was yelling at me that I am late. Finally, I arrived to my plane without knowing if my luggage would fly all the way with me. As I finally got to my seat, some woman was sitting there. So, I went to her and asked her nicely if she can move because it is MY seat, but she refused. I didn’t want to make a big deal of it, so I just put myself down in the middle spot.
never found out what happened. Everything eventually calmed down, and after a tiresome journey, I landed in Frankfurt. Glad I was finally in Europe, my relief was quickly erased when I found out that my remaining flight itineraries were left back in the Palm Springs airport. With no idea where to go, I finally found my gate. But with my luck, my terrible journey didn’t end there. The woman working at Lufthansa said that she didn’t see me on the list for my last flight to Czech, and she explained to me that I couldn’t fly anywhere. After an hour of her calling and me being utterly exhausted, she finally got clearance to let me go to the plane and I successfully flew to Prague.
correct one, catching my flight back to Frankfurt. Surprisingly, nothing too bad happened on this flight, and from there I landed in Houston where the worst part of my trip was still waiting for me. Everyone was leaving the plane, and I was slowly following the herd of people off. There was a huge line for immigration control. Luckily, I had a four-hour layover, but nothing would prepare me for what was about to come. I finally got in front and went before the immigration officer. He was going through my papers, passport, joking around, . . . and then he stopped, looked at me, and said that they don’t accept copies of an I-20 (document for international students). When I tried to show him an original one with just my name and a signature on it, he said that there is no date, so they couldn’t accept it. I started being very nervous. He told me to wait and sent someone for me. A police officer came for me and took me to a small room. My international student agency told me to call them if something like this happened, but no phones were allowed in the room. I stayed there three hours being questioned about everything, but I had no way to see the time; I was scared I had missed my flight. The officers there were very nervous because the room was filling up with people every minute. People had to start sitting outside, that’s how packed it was. Some of them couldn’t even speak English, which made the officers even more angry. There were also little kids crying, and I felt really bad after ten hours of them flying. I thought, “They will send me back to my home country,” or “I will definitely miss my flight to Palm Springs.” I would be stuck in Texas without anyone. The officer was trying to joke with me about basketball, but I really wasn’t in the mood for it. They finally let me go, and I didn’t miss my flight (surprisingly), but this experience will always stay in my heart. It was the spookiest thing that has ever happened to me.
