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The Bird is the Word: Sophisticated Schoolyard Shenanigans

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Why Knowing Things is Overrated

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By Gil Maruvada, Senior

Yeah, I’m sure you didn’t expect this from me, but I think knowing things is overrated. Look, I know a number of things, but I think it’s far more helpful not to know things; honestly, most of the time you can scrape by just guessing. 

I’m not going to advocate pretending you know more than you do through blind guesswork, but what I am saying is that knowledge in an absolute sense is entirely overrated. Let me give an example: say you’re trapped in a maze–what’ll help you more, knowing exactly how to get out, or how to solve mazes in general? Of course, the exact instructions will get you out faster, but let’s say you’re in a different maze now; well, you’re going to wish you had chosen the more general knowledge. See, that’s what I mean when I say that knowing things is overrated; knowing a lot about a little is sometimes worse than knowing a little about a lot. Everything is connected. If you understand those connections well enough you can understand them on the fly in your head, even if you don’t “know” exactly what they are.

Knowing things has absolutely nothing to do with being able to figure things out. And, does knowing things have any real value anyway? Well, here’s what Socrates had to say, “All I know is that I know nothing.” If Socrates didn’t know anything, what hope do we have? You never really know anything about anything. Maybe you just made it all up? Here’s an article from Nature, “Subjective signal strength distinguishes reality from imagination“; essentially what it says is that there is a “reality threshold” at which your brain perceives something to be real, and real or imagined stimulus can sometimes cross that threshold. You know that time you could have sworn you heard a noise, or when you saw something unusual out of the corner of your eye, but when you looked, it was gone? Some might call this one of the perils of humans having an overactive imagination, but I would hazard to guess that it’s simply due to a reality that lacks sufficient stimulus. 

One of the oldest thought experiments in philosophy is the idea of a philosophical zombie; essentially what it says is that if there was a thing that wasn’t conscious in any meaningful way but reacted in the same way a conscious being did, how would you be able to tell the difference? Your friends, your family, everyone you know, and everyone you ever met, if they were all philosophical zombies, how could you tell? There isn’t even a foolproof way of knowing anyone outside of yourself is conscious. You trust what a neuroscientist says about the brain, but have you ever seen a brain? Do you know how the machinery works? the physical laws it’s based on? Of course, you don’t. You can’t be expected to know everything either. The only thing you can do is say with some confidence that something is true or false, it exists or it doesn’t. But, let’s be honest; you’ll never really know what is real and what isn’t; you’ll never really know anything. It’s all just your best guess, and that might be enough.

Now, it’s time for me to come clean. Everything in this article is a foregone conclusion I wanted to reach simply by writing the title. I just wrote the title, “Why Knowing Things is Overrated,” and then decided how the article would go. Sure, I cited sources, but only to fit conclusions I’d already drawn by the time of writing. It’s all a narrative that had been formed in my mind from figments and illusions far before any of it was written or researched. I don’t know anything. Now, you might feel betrayed by this revelation, or maybe you saw it coming, but, hey, it’s all just a guess anyway. Remember, you don’t know what you know, and doubly so for what you don’t know. And, I’ll see you later. Bye.

Why Dr Pepper Is the Best

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Wouldn’t You Like To Be A Pepper, Too?

By Senior Gil Maruvada

In our pursuit of controversy, we’ve unearthed Oliver’s unpopular sports opinions and the fiery opinions of PVS middle and upper schoolers, its staff and faculty (Thank you, Louisa). Gil, who “requires controversial opinions in order to tell the difference between his own identity and that of other people,” finds this was a subject made for him. Gil stands alone(?) in his love for Dr Pepper. He explains why he’s “a Pepper.”

In Waco, Texas, at the turn of the 19th century, before world wars and the Great Depression, an invention that would change the face of the world today was created. That something was the soda Dr Pepper, first sold on December 1st, 1885 (thoughtco.com). It is the world’s best commercially available soda sold in most retail stores. Now, you might have a personal favorite brand, but Dr Pepper is the best soda you can get just by walking into any store near you. That might be a bit of a bold claim, so allow me to prove definitively once and for all that Dr Pepper is better than its alternatives: Coke, Pepsi, Sprite, Mountain Dew, etc.

Now, let’s get this straight first, Dr Pepper has no period. While Dr Pepper was initially stylized with a period, the Artesian Manufacturing and Bottling Company dropped the period in the 1950s, so referring to it with a period is incorrect (drpeppermuseum.com). Additionally, there is no consensus as to why it is called Dr Pepper, and if it was named after a person there are competing theories as to who (dallasnews.com).

The superiority of Dr Pepper has been heralded by a small circle of pepper enthusiasts, some may call it cult-like but I like to think of it as the global Dr Pepper conspiracy community. Dr Pepper is something entirely different from Coke or Pepsi because Coke and Pepsi are colas while Dr Pepper is a pepper soda, which is an entirely different category pioneered by Charles Alderton. And while soda sales overall have been going down for other companies, Dr Pepper sales have been going up (cnn.com).

A large number of people swear by Dr Pepper as well (not just me). Elizabeth Sullivan, who drank three Dr Peppers a day, credits it with her longevity; she lived to be 106 years old (nbcdfw.com). She famously stated that “Every doctor that sees me says they’ll kill you, but they die and I don’t” (time.com). She has a point–-Dr Pepper is a heaven-sent elixir and panacea.

Centenarian Elizabeth Sullivan discusses here her affection for Dr Pepper.

Now Dr Pepper isn’t for everyone; some people don’t like its additional flavors and complex layers (and while I think these people are weak and inherently wrong, they technically have the right to their own incorrect opinions). 

But this doesn’t answer the question of what Dr Pepper is. Dr Pepper isn’t a soda but a representation of human freedom. Every soda above Dr Pepper in sales is owned by either PepsiCo or the Coca Cola company. That makes Dr Pepper the third most popular alternative company, the third choice in a two party system. Sodas emulate politics. Coca Cola and Pepsi represent how a two-party paradigm can naturally emerge in a voting system. The only difference from politics is here people vote with their money. But a two-party system inherently restricts options and variability. Coke and Pepsi both have supporters and detractors who would fight to the end for their corporate overlords’ sakes, but in the end they are both really similar sodas. Dr Pepper, however, is an alternative to the system, a giant cooperation in its own right stepping into the ring and making a spectacle. This battle will not be fought with the force and passion of political debates but with the slow and steady machinations of the economy. And I for one would welcome a new Dr Pepper paradigm, where pepper sodas completely take over. Out with the old corporate overlords and in with the “new.” It just tastes better. 

The 2008 Dr Pepper ad campaign: Be a Pepper.

*The views expressed by Mr. Maruvada do not necessarily represent the views of The Bird on Fire, Ms. Zachik, and PVS, or anyone else for that matter.

Has Levi Been to Area 51?

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Ever wonder how it would feel to float above your body and look down on it? Levi Kassinove goes in depth on astral projection. Levi, true to form, goes on to explain his thoughts on the matter. Is it all just a mind trip, or is it time travel? Maybe you would like to try it yourself. – Editor Abigail Horwitt

By Levi Kassinove, Conspiracy Theorist

Astral projection, or an out-of-body experience, is when someone gets the sensation that they’ve detached from their physical body. We’ve seen it on Netflix documentaries like Surviving Death; we’ve heard people say in surgery they watch themselves from above; maybe you’ve traveled outside the confines of your physical self. Oftentimes people feel like they’re dying when their “astral self” floats above their body; this may be where the idea of a soul comes from. When people from thousands of years ago experienced astral projection, they may have explained it by thinking we had souls. This could also be the cause of alien abduction stories. According to an NBC News story, what people believe to be alien abduction might actually just be a lucid dream or out-of-body experience. Michael Raduga, lead researcher at the Out-of-Body Experience Research Center in Los Angeles, designed an experiment to “test his theory that many reports of alien encounters are actually instances of people experiencing a vibrant, lifelike state of dreaming” (amazon.com). He surmised, if he could “coach people to dream of a realistic alien encounter, . . . that could prove that many reports of such encounters . . . are really just products of peoples’ imaginations” (NBC news). Astral projection is indeed a real phenomenon, but its true nature is not entirely understood. What exactly is astral projection?

Many of you have heard of lucid dreaming, which is the event in which sleepers become aware of the fact that they are dreaming. Most astral projectors you talk to (Jesse Denyer) will tell you that lucid dreaming is completely different from astral projection. Countless people on Reddit support this anecdotally, and some even claim that “lucid dreaming is controlled hallucinations while astral projection is a true vision” (Reddit thread). 

A lot of the things people claim to be able to do during astral projection are similar to what’s possible in a lucid dream. You can visit any place you want, eat any food you want, meet any person you want, and pretty much anything else. However, in lucid dreaming, you need some frame of reference. Some people say that you can’t project to forbidden places. For instance, one anonymous internet user said, “since 99.9% of people on earth have never been inside Area 51 and haven’t the slightest idea what it is like inside, it’s a sort of blank area in their minds”(I sincerely apologize for having to crawl to Reddit, but it’s astral projection so what did you expect?). So it may just be a dream after all where your brain could only fill in what you could already visualize. Maybe Lilah, who claims she has aphantasia, should try astral projection. Maybe, astral projection is a form of lucid dreaming. The methods I’ve read about for astral projection all indirectly or directly say that you have to be half-asleep for it to work. You have to either attempt it immediately after you wake up, or relax your body to the point where you’ll fall asleep. 

I don’t believe that lucid dreaming and astral projection are the exact same thing, as lucid dreaming involves awakening in the middle of a deep dream, but they are certainly related. Astral projection seems to be, like lucid dreaming, a weird, in-between state of lucidity and dreaming while the person is awake. Try it. Some people claim to be able to time travel and visit dinosaurs, so why wouldn’t you want to try that? If you’re interested in attempting astral projection, Michael Raduga outlines various ways to do so in his free ebook, titled The Phase. It’s a 400-page mind-labyrinth that crosses theory with reality a bit too much, but it explains ways to hallucinate. If you’ve already had an out-of-body experience, tell me about it in the comments.

Levi projecting what astral projecting looks like.

*The views presented by Blogger Kassinove do not represent the views of thebirdonfire.org.

Education: Is it Brainwashing?

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By Luke Langlois

Welcome to Editor Hannah Hall’s Conspiracy-Themed Week. Luke, below, is being satirical. Of course, he loves the College Board and all teachers.

Dearest readers of the blog, it is time to WAKE UP! It has come to my attention that there is a grand conspiracy that deeply, greatly, severely affects each and every one of us. Schools are beacons of brainwashing. If the government wanted to instill a certain set of values or ideas in the next generation, what would be the best way to do it? Would it be propaganda posters? Would it be a top-secret kidnapping program? The answer to both of these is, as you may have anticipated, no. The best way for the government to have its iron fist control the generation of the future is through the education system, through our teachers.

Teachers are one of the first authority figures we encounter in our lives. From very early ages we are taught to respect teachers and learn from what they have to say. As young children, we do not know any better than to absolutely accept this logic. Herein lies the problem. From this point on, teachers are fully capable of being the conductors of our poor, impressionable brains. The government is well aware of this fact and uses it to their advantage. Have you ever heard of the “Common Core State Standards Initiative”? This is an educational (BRAINWASHING!!!) initiative that sets the national standards for what students should know at the end of each school year. If schools are shown to have underperforming students, they are penalized. Unfortunately, this 2010 initiative managed to slip by our speculative goggles. Common core is the government’s way of controlling the teachers on a massive and undetectable scale. Quite frankly, it is the perfect crime. Teachers are unified under one curriculum to create a single mind. And, don’t even get me started on the College Board!

Here’s the bottom line: this systematic brainwashing causes us all to have artificial thoughts and ideas. None of us are our true and natural selves because of the specifically engineered influence from schools. We are all brainwashed to some degree. Who knows, perhaps you and I would be completely different people if it were not for this “education” system. Regardless of your allegiances, KEEP YOUR EYES AND EARS OPEN!

Editor: Hannah Hall

The Avengers–High School Conspiracy

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By Charles Schnell, Who Does Not Actively Follow or Care About the Marvel Movies

Before you scroll down or click away, hear me out. I know this may sound ridiculous, but I think the masterminds over at Marvel entertainment have outlined the four Avengers movies in a way that represents each grade in high school. At least, this is what my experience has led me to theorize.

Let’s go over the series and compare, shall we?

Avengers: Ah, the original. This is freshman year of high school. Think about it. There’s a new team of sheriffs in town. Some are smarter; some are stronger; some are more attractive.  These freshies are here to team up for the first time and save the world. Now, take the average freshman class. Some are smarter; some are stronger; some are more attractive. However, they have all assembled at school for the first time to save each other, and the school as a whole, from bullies. Who are these bullies? Well, that would be the upperclassmen, society, the government, etc. Coincidence? I think not. Avengers is freshman year!

Avengers: Age of Ultron: This is sophomore year, most definitely. No doubt about it. In this one, the overall plot line is not tied up. Thanos is out and about, but not the main focus. This is more of a subplot movie if anything. Now, think about sophomore year of high school. Why does one go to high school? Well, at least if we are talking college-prep schools such as Palm Valley, one goes to get into college. That is the overall, main plot: getting into college. However, sophomores usually are not thinking too heavily about college. And, if they are, imagine how much worrying they’ll be doing junior and senior years, when college—Thanos—has finally arrived. In junior and senior year, all our GPAs start plummeting, and it’s one hard battle after another, and college is sitting right in front of you, taunting, laughing, smiling into the sunset. In sophomore year, that’s not the case. You aren’t focused on getting into college, the main plot. You usually have something else to worry about, the subplot. You’ve got your first (and perhaps your last) AP, your last year where the PSAT does not matter, and your 16th birthday—a classic American milestone. Sophomore year is the Age of Ultron.

Avengers: Infinity War: Time to put on your big kid pants. “Thanos” has arrived, and he is taking no prisoners. All who oppose him will be crushed, and in this “movie,” no “Avenger” is safe. Now, look again at those sentences, but replace “Thanos” with “college,” “movie” with “year,” and “Avenger” with “junior,” and you have a perfect summary of junior year. In years prior, the academic workload usually starts off slow. Everything is okay in the beginning of freshman and sophomore years, and then it all goes down the drain usually once December hits. But, those challenges have been manageable, and you have not let them conquer you. Junior year is much different. Thanos is unlike any other enemy. The junior grind does not allow for any meager distractions. Once junior year starts, it’s “GO GO GO” from the very first day. No time for breaks, no time for opposition. “GO GO GO.” APs! SATs! ACTs! PSATs! Look at colleges! HARVARD! This pain train’s got no breaks; it just hopes its passengers can hold on. Junior year is a war that seems endless, but it eventually ends…. Unfortunately, it might end in a way that you may not want it to. Junior year is the Infinity War.

Avengers: Endgame: “We’re in the endgame now.” I’m not a senior, but if I had to guess, every senior has probably said something akin to this during senior year. It’s the end. Half or so of the senior class was mentally destroyed during junior year. It’s up to the remaining seniors to help motivate their friends back to life, save their GPAs, and finally finish the main plot, the story that has been developing for 18 years; it’s time for the seniors to get into college and enter the next phase of their life. Need I say more? Senior year, the final year of high school, childhood, and—dare I say—innocence, is the Endgame. And yet, at the same time, it is much more than an end. It’s a beginning, a beginning to the next phase of your life.

There you have it. High school is the Avengers. The Avengers is high school. This is my argument, and I have laid it out plainly for you. Now, all that’s left is your opinion. Do you agree with, disagree with, or—best of all—ignore my post, and move on to more important matters?

Editor: Luke Langlois

Existentialism at the Third Grade Level

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By Guest Blogger-Editorialist Charles Schnell, Singing “Hello, Dolly!” Too Loudly in the Afterlife

 

The possibility that there is no almighty deity, definitive meaning, or afterlife is a frightening notion, particularly if you’ve been paying for a Netflix subscription all this time.

After taking AP Chemistry for quite a few weeks now, I have come to hope that there is an afterlife, that there is more than this.

Though, when I reach the afterlife, I have a few questions that need some answering before I can start enjoying myself. Firstly, how long has it been since the afterlife was founded? How late is the neighborhood delicatessen open? Will my college debt carry over? Are there more levels of education? Have we gotten a clear lay of the land? How much money are the cartographers making per 1,000 maps? And, of course, is there anything after the afterlife? Is there anything after the afterlife’s afterlife? How many afterlifes are we going to have to go through before we get some peace and quiet? And, on average, what is the cost of quality plumbing in each of them?

Having posed those questions, we must remind ourselves that all of them will be answered eventually. It is of the utmost importance that we try not to worry about the future so much. How could we? There’s too much going on in the present moment to consider what could be, as well as what could have been.

Editor: Luke Langlois

Stranger Than Fiction

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By Reddit Investigator Brennan Nick

Most people know what The Onion is. It is a “news” source that posts hilariously fictional articles on ridiculous subjects. However, you do not need to look to fiction to laugh at stories that may seem as if they’re fake. Below are some ecstatically funny headlines that were found in actual news sources:

 

1. “Restaurant arms diners with squirt guns to ward off… seagulls”

Source: The Takeout

2. “Farmer accused of shooting murder blames gunfire on eggplant”

Source: 9news

3. “Scientists plan DNA hunt for Loch Ness monster next month”

Source: Reuters

4. “Man rescued from Taliban didn’t believe Donald Trump was President”

Source: Newsweek

5. “Uber’s search for a female CEO has been narrowed down to 3 men”

Source: The Denver Post

6. “Passenger turned away from two flights after wearing 10 layers of clothing to avoid luggage fee”

Source: The Telegraph

7. “UPS loses Family’s $846K Inheritance, Offers to Refund $32 Shipping Fee”

Source: Newsweek

8. “Justin Bieber banned from China in order to ‘purify’ nation”

Source: The Telegraph

9. “NPR tweets the Declaration of Independence, and people freak out about a ‘revolution’”

Source: The Kansas City Star

10. “Man who mowed lawn with tornado behind him says he ‘was keeping an eye on it.’”

Source: Times Colonist

11. “Ferry McFerryface to be name of new Sydney ferry after public vote”

Source: ABC News

12. “Alt-Right White Supremacists Claim Papa John’s as Official Pizza”

Source: Newsweek

13. “White supremacists taking DNA tests sad to discover they’re not 100% white”

Source: Global News

14. “Palestinian judge bans divorce during Ramadan because ‘people make hasty decisions when they’re hungry’”

Source: Independent

15. “After 4th DWI, man argues legal limit discriminates against alcoholics”

Source: Statesman

16. “Argentinian officers fired after claiming mice ate half a ton of missing marijuana”

Source: The Guardian

17. “‘Nobody kill anybody’: Murder-free weekend urged in Baltimore”

Source: The Baltimore Sun

18. “Texas judge interrupts jury, says God told him defendant is not guilty”

Source: Statesman

19. “Saudi Arabia accidentally prints textbook showing Yoda sitting next to the king”

Source: The Telegraph

20. “‘Japan’s slowest roller coaster’” derails, passengers don’t notice”

Source: Sora News 24

 

Editor: AJ Patencio

Respiration Sifflante Volume I

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Compiled by Lyn Gweeny and Torti Linee

 

In the news our world seems to be filled with misery and suffering. But, our world can be  filled with beauty, joy, and innovation. There is always a glimmer of hope in the hopeless moments even if they come at the end.

This post is not about that. This post is about laughing at people’s stupidity. Sometimes people are delightfully dumb and silly. The following phrases and clauses were heard in the halls and classrooms of the Upper School. Enjoy.

 

“So… we’ll go ahead and make Beyonce our puppet queen of all of the island nations.”

“Are cribs what people… live…in…?”

“EVERYONE knows Finland is a front!”

“MOM, IT’S NOT A PHASE; THIS IS WHO I AM.”

“It’s like, windy outside, the air it’s like BLOWING.”

“Let’s just start by pushing Africa right up against India and Europe and… that’s how we’ll start recreating Pangea.”

“Aaaannd that’s our ten-step model of how to completely take over the world!”

“What do you want from me, PEASANT?”

“My closet is my SAFE SPACE, BELLA!”

“People with forehead wrinkles are subordinate to people who don’t! It’s just science.”

“Mme Mulé, you’re like the Hoover Dam.”

“Ummm… well, he is from West Virginia.”

“Are you knighting him or beating him? I’ve seen The Crown!”

“Students saying ridiculous things??? Pfffft NEVER!” *note: There is a possibility that this might be sarcastic.

“I like to compile birthdays.”

“Being around you is like having a laughtrack” “hahahahahahahaha”

“Exploding things calms you down?!

“It hurts to be stupid.”

“Okay, dude let’s make ASB the People’s Democratic Republic of Palm Valley School. PDRPVS.”

 

Editor: Brennan Nick

A Guide to Gift Giving

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By Peter Kadel

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! The holiday season is here, and if you’re not a crazy person living in the desert then winter is in full swing, which means it’s the time to celebrate the things that really matter like religious holidays, the appropriation of religious holidays, commercialization of religious holidays, and arguments over coffee cups that support religious holidays. But, it’s important to remember not to use any religion-specific greetings because winter isn’t about religion. Winter is about buying stuff for people and telling them weeks in advance (as in “Oh, I bought you a Christmas gift”) to guilt them into getting you something. Winter is about just letting yourself go into hibernation, emerging only to have awkward encounters with your extended family. Winter is about forgetting all of your healthy life choices and subsequently collapsing into a pit of guilt, cookie crumbs, and despair–once swimsuit season hits. However, the most important part of the winter holiday is gift giving, or more accurately, gift receiving. But as the old adage goes, “Nothing in life is free.” So, you’ll have to give gifts so people feel obligated to give you gifts. Luckily, there are several holidays in the coming days for you to use as an excuse to give gifts.

Hanukkah is the longest and is relatively well known, but it ended yesterday, so there isn’t any time to get your gift and then receive a gift from the recipient, and so your best bet is to just convert to Christianity and participate in Christmas because most of us don’t know when Kwanzaa is (unless you read Harlow Berny’s post last week) or what it’s about. After your baptism, it’s time to go buy gifts for your unsuspecting “friends.” In this process, it is important to remember that the purpose of giving these gifts is to encourage your “friends” to give you gifts, so you need to find a balance between cheap and meaningful. Some examples of cheap and meaningful gifts are decorative shot glasses, stickers from other countries, fancy paper, and potatoes–because everyone loves potatoes. If you want to improve your chances of getting a good gift instead of a potato, –because who wants a lousy potato?–you should make sure the gifts have some kind of personal connection to the intended recipients. For example, if your “friend” likes the color red, give them a jar of blood, and if you want to make the gift really personal, make sure it’s their blood-type! If none of these examples are effective in guilting your “friends” into giving you stuff this holiday season, then you should recognize that you are in a “friendship” founded on manipulation and deceit, and you should end the “friendship” immediately.

 

Editor: AJ Patencio

Murder Mystery: New Letters Received

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Case 4501 Update  

Submitted by Officers Shelby Armor and Claire Jenkins

Additional evidence has surfaced in Case 4501–The Demise of Ben Snyder. A written note, with what appears to be a cough-drop wrapper on it, was found in Detective Armor’s office, and a small typed note was found in Captain Kadel’s living room.

 

Photo 1: Contents of letter left in Capt. Kadel’s living room. Unidentified text font. 

*Transcript of Letter: “don’t trust the janitor. she’s concealing something. she knows more than she is revealing.”

 

 

Photos 2 + 3: Message left in Detective Armor’s office. Same handwriting as first letter found in Capt. Kadel’s squad car weeks ago. Take note of cough-drop wrapper and threatening tone. 

*Transcript of Letter: “I have a question. Do you trust each other? Plan your next steps very carefully . . . . See you soon. I’ll be waiting.”

*Transcript of Letter, page 2: “A gain always comes with a loss. I hope his death was worth the information! I can’t wait to see how you all handle this in court.” (Referencing the demise of informant Jackson Dean)

 

Photos 4 + 5: Detective Jenkins examines handwritten letter. 

Reviewed by Superintendent Patencio and Agent on Special Assignment Vazquez