–by senior Blog Correspondent Henry Huang
Samuel Johnson, a genius of the English language, wrote the classic A Dictionary of the English Language in 1755. This widely-praised, linguistic-shifting, perhaps antiquated, dictionary has some very funny definitions. It is one of the earliest and most important English dictionaries. Here are some witty, amusing entries:
Oats. n.s. [aten, Saxon.] A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland supports the people. (Samuel Johnson was NOT a fan of the Scottish.)
Sonnet. n.s. [sonnet, French; sonnetto, Italian.] A short poem consisting of fourteen lines, of which the rhymes are adjusted by a particular rule. It is not very suitable to the English language, and has not been used by any man of eminence since Milton.
Lexicógrapher. n.s. [λεξικὸν and γράφω; lexicographe, French.] A writer of dictionaries; a harmless drudge, that busies himself in tracing the original, and detailing the signification of words.
Patron. n.s. [patron, Fr. patronus, Latin.] One who countenances, supports or protects. Commonly a wretch who supports with insolence, and is paid with flattery.
Reading these witticisms inspires me to write some of my own dictionary definitions:
A Dictionary of the English Language According to Henry:
Political Science: A study of politics, a study considered to be a modern-day dragon-killing skill
Life: A process from toothless to toothless.
Football (American): A sport that doesn’t necessarily need feet to play
Americans: A group of people who live in the United States. Sometimes a group considered annoying, loud, arrogant, and monolingual!
What contemporary English words would you like to RE-define?
Don’t get me wrong; some biographies are good. However, some biographies like Kim Kardashian’s Selfish, which contains nothing but her selfies, should be burned. Mostly, a biography exists because it can inspire people. However, Celebrity Biographies often offer very little under the cover. Do we really need selfies of Kim Kardashian? Remember, in our hypothetical situation, we are in a severe winter snowstorm, and we need to warm ourselves to fend off freezing. Those Celebrity Biographies are usually heavy (in weight), usually more than three hundred pages. Just one burning copy could keep us warm for hours.
I know many people believe in the zodiac and fortune telling. However, think about it seriously. We are now in a huge huge crisis that involves the existence of human beings in a snowstorm. At this moment, all kinds of zodiac and fortune-telling things would not work anymore. The only thing that we need to focus on, at this moment, is survival. If you’re about to freeze to death, do you really need your fortune told?
The reasons were mostly concentrated on the fact that Twilight is a poorly written book. According to one respondent, “Twilight promotes abusive relationships and is just bad literature in general.” The second most popular choice involves encyclopedias and dictionaries. The reasons are, “They have the most paper, so they have the most fuel”; “They are very big and fairly replaceable.” Surprisingly, the third most popular choice for burning for warmth and survival is the Bible. The reasons include more are available “in the future” and “the Bible is thick and burnable.” And, one of Henry’s personal favorite responses is “Burn Mein Kampf.”