As the Blog Staff imagines how life would have progressed with certain figures or events “erased,” Levi imagines(?) what life would have been if the “missing link” never crawled from the seas onto land.

By Junior Levi Kassinove 

“A real life ‘tail’ of what would have happened 400 billion years ago if fish never walked on the land.”

Levi Kassinove

400 billion years ago, one brave aquarian caused a paradigm shift in the fabric of reality when he, Gleb, dared to travel above the surface. He saw unimaginable, incomprehensible sights. He gazed upon fantastical green mountains stretched across the horizon, giant blue mushrooms gossiping amongst themselves (presumably about our Gleb), and an old alte kaker of a rainbow eucalyptus tree yelling at clouds off in a forgotten corner of the forest. In the distance, there was a sick broadsword, a remnant of a lost civilization, halfway stuck in a boulder calling Gleb’s name. Alongside that was a goblin man eagerly waiting for someone’s arrival. On the ground and in the mountains, Gleb saw impossible materials. Impenetrable ore. Beauty beyond measure. Dragons flew freely in the skies. They flew freely. 

Gleb laid his eyes upon these sights, pathetically flopping about the sandy shore. The sand was coarse, like some brands of Himalayan pink salt, and it clawed and tore at his flesh. By the time Gleb decided with a nasally inner voice that it was time to head back into the ocean, he looked like Prometheus after an eagle was sent to peck out his liver.

The Ghoti Residence – An anemone in the Pacific Ocean

“…And that is the story of Gleb, the heroic clownfish.”

“Can you please tell us another bedtime story, Momma?” asked little Steven. 

“No, it’s time to go to sleep, Steven,” answered Momma Ghoti. 

“That was a stupid story. Everyone knows that Gleb wasn’t real. It’s just a fairy tale,” snarled Steven’s brother Jack. 

Momma Ghoti grew angry, while little Steven gasped. Now distraught, little Steven called for his father, Daddy Ghoti. A sullen, aged parrotfish materialized through the anemone. He had an intelligent demeanor, although there was no hope or ambition left in his eyes. He had heard and been fooled by the same story so many times. Daddy Ghoti comforted little Steven through his first existential crisis, and they fell asleep beside each other. “The Ballad of Gleb” never happened. Really, no fish had ever gone beyond the surface, and lived to tell the tale. There was a period in time when fish were interested in the place between sea and clouds, when Ernest Herringway wrote extensively about it. But it was not their lack of bravery that prevented various fish from reaching beyond; it was the crabs who were mostly to blame. 

Crabs are the guardians of exploration and self-improvement. They are the fun police. The ones who tell you No, that’s a bad idea; or You should not take that risk because you’re just gonna fail. They are also the ones who narc on seaweed dealers at music festivals. In a distant universe, where fish somehow did make it onto land, the earth’s main inhabitants are vile creatures called humans. The one thing humans are good at is keeping crabs in a bucket. You know why? Because whenever one crab tries to escape, all the other crabs would pull the escapee back down with their claws. The humans don’t even have to do anything because the only thing crabs hate more than others is…themselves. Now, the ocean can be thought of as one giant bucket. The crabs are the reason why no fish has ever gone beyond the surface. 

Mundanity

The water is filled with crab-cameras. They are in every road, every corner, every alleyway, and every home. CRABF (Crustaceans Really Against Basic Freedoms) is an organization outside of the government and beyond the police. Their main goal is to prevent any marine life from escaping the ocean. Daddy Ghoti was another nobody stuck in the shrimp-race; he thought deeply and with concerns about CRABF on his way to work. He reasoned that CRABF must have convinced several governments of the benefits of total control, stripping any politician of their humanifish. Benefits that he, along with millions of others, were lied to about: benefits such as “reducing crime rates” and “increasing safety.” Are those really benefits? rang through Daddy Ghoti’s head. There was a splinter in his mind, like a pebble you can’t get out of your shoe. He swam on, careful not to go over the speed limit. If the crab-cameras notice any unpredictable or idiosyncratic behavior, the perpetrator will be taken in for interrogation and then possibly executed. What do you think happened to Ernest Herringway? There are no jails. That was another promise made by governments, another benefit. Yes, it is true that upon partnering with CRABF, jails were abolished around the ocean. Jails are gone. There are no jails. There is little to no crime anywhere. Everyone obeys the law. The absolute law. Don’t even think about courthouses. If you’re innocent, you should have nothing to worry about. Don’t go beyond the surface. Stay in your bubble. Get back in line. There are no more jails. 

A little red dot flashed inside Daddy Ghoti’s head. It was barely visible, perhaps only visible to the surrounding plankton. He thought of his sons–little Steven, and Jack, who was recently arrested for swimming too close to the surface–and his beloved Momma Ghoti, who knows in her heart that the world isn’t right. But she ignores it because it’s uncomfortable, and she has kids to worry about, after all. 

Molecules of water drift aimlessly. For a moment, flowers bloom on the roots of trees, and mountains blow in the wind like leaves. 

He kept on swimming.