the bird on fire

The Bird is the Word: Sophisticated Schoolyard Shenanigans

Subscribe to Blog via Email

Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

The Easy Solution to the Partisan Problem

by Leave a Comment

By Political Commentator-Blogger Luke Langlois

The United States, like always, is divided. There is quite the ideological split between “red” and “blue,” Democrat and Republican. Democrats tend to dislike Republicans and vice versa. Optimistic citizens seem to believe that the issue of division will resolve itself and patriotism will reign supreme. This will never happen. Therefore, I offer a simple solution: split the country.

So, if political parties seem to believe that they can run the country better, they should prove it! First, as democracy is very important, there will be a vote in every state. People will vote on what party they want their state to be governed by. The winning party will be the only party allowed to govern the state for the period of the split. For the sake of consistency, there will be third parties on the ballot. Though, we all know how successful third parties are. After the vote has happened, there should be a relatively even split between Democratic and Republican states. Now, I will address all of your questions. Yes, all of them. First, I must address the issue of the United States territories and Washington D.C. The United States territories will be auctioned off to other countries to help pay the national debt. Washington D.C. will be airlifted, via helicopter, to a safe location, probably Canada. Now that that simple issue has been dealt with, let’s dive into the logistics.

The country will be split for a period of 50 years. Both groups will receive their own federal government modeled after the former United States federal government. Then, the governance will BEGIN! The states shall govern themselves for this period of 50 years. After the period of 50 years, a winner will be chosen and the winning party will govern the United States for the rest of her days. There will be a highly complex process for choosing the winner. First, political figures from each side will be dropped into the ocean and will fight to the death with water guns. Then, the two groups will be measured side by side with a variety of factors. We’ll get an unbiased allied country to look at GDP, unemployment rate, overall happiness levels, et cetera. The winner will be determined by the latter factors. In the extremely unlikely case of a tie, the party with the most survivors from the ocean battle will run the country.

After a winner is determined, Washington D.C. will be retrieved from Canada, again with a helicopter, and governance will go back to normal, except there will be only one party controlling the United States. One day, I hope this dream will be realized.

Editor: Makena Behnke

Speed “Limits”?

by 2 Comments

A Satirical Op-Ed By Luke Langlois

Hello to my fellow licensed drivers. Today, I am here to present an idea: the speed limits should be just a recommendation. We should all drive faster. There are so many reasons to leave the slow-driving hooligans in the dust.

Most cars literally encourage driving faster: Why is it so easy to drive faster? Well, it’s because you should drive faster! Driving slowly requires effort. It requires control. Honestly, who doesn’t want to just stretch out and floor it? To add onto this, why would a speedometer have speeds over 100 on them if you are not supposed to go over 100? When I’m cruising down Da Vall drive in my Lamborghini, I make it my goal to hit 160 before I get to school.

You use more fuel: Look, the world is running out of gas. By driving faster, you burn more fuel. By burning more fuel, you accelerate the rate at which we run out of fuel. If the Earth runs out of fuel, we would be forced to move to renewable energy! By moving to renewable energy, all of the world’s problems will be solved, no questions asked. Also, by burning more fuel, you have to spend more money. Spending money helps the American economy. Woo!

You save time: When I was a slow driver, I arrived slightly later to school. I was always in a rush. I found myself missing the five seconds that I could have had if I had just driven faster. I could open my locker with those 5 seconds! That time builds up, and we all know time is our most valuable resource. In a week, driving faster could save you a few minutes. Awesome!

You get more run-ins with the police: Who doesn’t love police officers? By driving faster, the police will happily spend more time with you due to your service to our community via economic contribution and a vastly efficient lifestyle.

You get to agitate the people in front of you: Under the shade of anonymity, annoying others is fun! By driving faster, you get the opportunity to ride the bumper of drivers in front of you. Who doesn’t love free rides?

So, that’s what I’ve got for today. Trust me, the list goes on. There are an endless amount of benefits to driving faster. I strongly encourage all of my readers to add at least an extra 50 mph to their average driving speed.

*Do note the element of satire and irony in the piece. The Blog advocates safe driving and good health.

Editor: AJ Patencio

HOW TO CALCULATE YOUR GRADE (NOT CLICKBAIT)

by Leave a Comment

By Luke Langlois

Hello to all of my student friends. Today, I am here to introduce a handy-dandy tool, www.calculatemygrade.com. Grades are a mystical thing, and, honestly, who knows how to calculate it. Well, the answer is simple. It’s the internet. There are a billion-gazillion grade calculators online. The problem with all of these grade calculators is that they do not adapt to your individual situation. Most of the time, grade calculators are made for specific schools or systems, and they will not adapt to your grading situation. This website adapts to you. It lets you enter your own assignment, the weight of this assignment, and the grade you received on this assignment. This helps you figure out what you need to do grade-wise. Do I need to get a 100% on the next test? How many homework assignments do I need to offset the 5.3% I just received on this test? Well, for those who of us who love their grades, this is the tool. Here is a brief-ish set of instructions.  

When you open up the website, you will see three options: “My overall course grade,” “What grade I need to get on the final exam to get an A, B, C or D,” and “What my new GPA will be after this semester.” Depending on your situation, you’ll pick what you need to pick. For me, the “My Overall Course Grade” option is the best. I have frequently used this option to find out what grade I need on a specific assignment to be where I want to be. So, for the purpose of this post, we’ll dive into that.

After selecting this option and pressing “next,” you will be hit with “is your final grade calculated with points or percentages?” You select how your teacher calculates the grade. For example, I know Ms. Zachik calculates her grades based on points and how many points you receive, so for her class, you’d select points. Most other classes are based on percentage, so for most cases you’d choose that, unless you know your teacher bases their class on points.

After selecting the grading system, you’ll be prompted to enter the quantity of assignments. If you have had two tests, enter two tests. This is pretty self-explanatory. If you want to know what you need on your next assignment to get your grade up to a certain point, add an extra assignment so you can add the hypothetical grade. If you have no assignments for a specific category, enter nothing or a “0.”

After this, you’ll be asked to enter how much each grade is worth. For this, you’ll need to find the syllabus for your class and find out what each assignment is worth.  IMPORTANT NOTE: You need to divide the weight of the category into how many assignments of that category you have had. That was confusing. If your tests are worth 60% of your grade, and you’ve had 3 tests, enter each one as 20% (which is the 60% divided by 3 if you have no idea where that number came from). As another example, if you have 7 homework assignments and those homework assignments are worth 10%, divide that 10 by 7. You’d get 1.4%, and each of the 7 homework assignments is worth 1.4% of your grade. If you enter each of the 7 grades as weighted by 10%, each homework assignment is going to be weighted as 10%, rather than the entire category as 10%. This is important for each assignment category.

Finally, you’ll be asked to enter what grade your assignment received. So, do that. The most handy part about this section is to enter a hypothetical grade for an upcoming assignment. As an example, say I had a 24% in AP Biology, what grade will I need on the next test to raise my grade to an A. Well, in the earlier processes I would add an extra test so I could now enter a hypothetical grade for said test. Then, I would enter in some grades to see if they’d raise me up to the grade I want. After you do this, you should hopefully get a grade that resembles something reasonable. In the case of wanting to raise my grade from 24% to 93, I would need a 300% on my next test. I would recommend entering your actual grades first to see if you’re doing the whole process correctly.

So, in conclusion, this website, www.calculatemygrade.com, will be most useful to you if you are a grade freak. If you’re not, you might keep it in the back of your head for when the final exams come around. Enjoy calculating!  

 

*Disclaimer: I was not paid to write this, but I will welcome any revenue.

Editor: Holden Hartle

Mock Trial: EXPLAINED!

by 1 Comment

By Luke Langlois, The Mock Trial Guy

Whether it be through assembly announcements, student chatter, or blog posts, I’m sure you’ve heard of Mock Trial. As the new season approaches, I’d like to answer the following question: what exactly is Mock Trial? As a member of the Mock Trial team, I am obliged to write this post so more people appreciate us and the extracurricular in general.

At its heart, Mock Trial is a mock trial. Each year, a criminal case is written by the higher-ups of the program. The case is built to be flexible, so that it can be argued in favor of the defense or the prosecution with no intentional bias. The case is the center of all Mock Trial matches. A match is comprised of two teams (schools). One team is the defense; one team is the prosecution. In one Mock Trial season, teams compete in four different matches, two as the defense and two as the prosecution. If a team makes the playoffs, they are part of the “elite 8” and play some extra matches, depending on how well they do. Here’s a little known fact: last year’s Palm Valley Mock Trial team was the best in the Coachella Valley, and we placed #9 out of 27 in the Riverside County (one spot out of a playoff berth).

So, just like any competition, there are winners and there are losers. Here’s a bit of a twist. The winner of the verdict in court will not necessarily be the winner of the match. The judge of the trial determines the verdict in court, while the scoring attorneys are the ones who determine the winner of the match. The winner of the competition is the team with the higher number of total points. Each competing member of the team is scored according to how effective they are at their job. For example, part of a prosecution or defense attorney’s score would be based on one of their cross examinations. The score would be gauged by how well they can tear down the witness, and therefore the opposing argument, during the cross examination. Part of a witness’s score would be based on how well they can defend against the opposing attorney’s attempt to tear down their evidence. The winner is determined by the cumulative number of points earned by each member. Mock Trial teams are not told who wins and who loses in the courthouse. The total score and results of the match are released a day or two after the trial. If you ever hear a Mock Trial member screaming “THE SCORE’S OUT!!!!” this is why.

I briefly mentioned scoring attorneys last paragraph. What is a scoring attorney? A scorer is an actual attorney. In Mock Trial, the officials aren’t just any old referees (no offense referees).  The scoring attorneys ARE attorneys. The judge IS a judge. This is definitely one of the best parts of Mock Trial. It gives it some authenticity. When playing varsity basketball, unless you are LeBron James Jr, you aren’t talking with LeBron after the game. After a Mock Trial match, you are welcome to speak to the scoring attorneys. In fact, the scoring attorneys would approach me after a match more often than not.

Each person plays a role. Now, I know what you’re thinking. What kind of role am I talking about? Is it a theater role? Is it role-ing the dice? Surprise! It’s neither. A Mock Trial participant can compete as an attorney, witness, bailiff, or clerk. I’ll start with explaining the positions of the clerk and bailiff. A bailiff keeps the order in a court of law and is responsible for swearing in witnesses. The clerk is the timekeeper of the competition, making sure teams are each given an equal amount of time to present their case. The defense team provides the bailiff, and the prosecution provides the clerk. Attorneys can either be pretrial, defense, or prosecution. A pretrial attorney argues over the pretrial motion, which is usually an argument over an interpretation of the law. Last year, the argument was over whether or not a piece of GPS evidence was collected lawfully or if it was a violation of the Fourth Amendment. Defense and prosecution attorneys are in charge of conducting the trial and, of course, doing it in a way that favors their side. The tasks of defense and prosecution attorneys include the following: opening statements, closing statements, and examinations of witnesses. That leads me to the final role, WITNESSES!

Each team brings the witnesses that contribute evidence to their side of the argument. It would be an ill-advised move to call a witness from the other team to the witness stand, to say the least. A witness can find their information from their witness statement in the case packet, the lovely packet that holds all the information on the case for the season. The witness statement encompasses what a witness knows. A witness is responsible for knowing the information in their witness statement; they should know what they should and should not say in order to help their team. In a mock trial, a witness is not a person who simply says that they saw something happen. A witness can be an expert medical analyst who is brought in to explain the wounds found on a victim, the defendant,  or someone who simply believes they saw something happen. Nevertheless, witnesses make or break every Mock Trial match. Every role in Mock Trial is important, and each competitor has the ability to swing the match to their favor.

Finally, I’ll give a brief rundown of what actually goes on during a match. The teams are ushered in the courtroom and wait for the judge. Introductions are done, and then everyone moves to their proper seat position in the courtroom. Before the case presentations begin, the pretrial motion is argued. The judges give their rulings on the pretrial motion. Then, the prosecution gives its opening statement, and the defense may give its opening statement. After the opening statements, the prosecution presents its case. Cases are presented in the form of questioning your own team’s witnesses in the direct examinations. After a prosecuting attorney finishes the direct examination of a witness, the defense has the chance to conduct a cross examination on the same witness. Once the prosecution presents all its evidence, calls up all of its witnesses, or runs out of time, its case is rested and the defense gets to present its case. The process is the same. They call witnesses, conduct direct examinations, and the prosecution will cross examine the witnesses of the defense. After both arguments have been fully presented, the closing statements are given, which is pretty self-explanatory. After the closing statements, the judge calls the verdict, the court is adjourned, and the mock trial teams begin to look back at their performance.  

That just about covers the basics of a match. Now, you may find it easier to follow what’s going on with our team and what any of the jargon means. If there are any questions that are floating around in your noggin, feel free to leave them in the comments and I’ll probably answer.

 

Editor: Bella Bier

The Unquestionable Ranking of Every Pixar Movie

by 3 Comments

By Luke Langlois

Pixar has released twenty movies. If you are looking for a proper and critical ranking of all twenty of those movies, this is not the place. However, if you are looking for my highly opinionated ranking of all twenty Pixar films (because who isn’t?), then this is just the post for you. Warning: Some Pixar Spoilers Below

  1. The Good Dinosaur: This is a good movie. While the big lizards known as dinosaurs frequently emerge from extinction to grace the cinematic universe, they are usually characterized as big meanies. This time though, they were friendly big lizards. I rank it as the worst Pixar film because I forgot this was a movie, until now.

 

  1.  Coco: This movie was good and, of course, critically acclaimed. However, I thought it was kind of “bleh.”

 

  1. Finding Dory: Pixar has lived off of the fame of Finding Nemo for fourteen years now. When a studio releases a sequel to an excellent movie, the pressure is on to somehow raise the bar. This sequel was great, but it did not live up to my set expectations. Therefore, #18.

 

  1. A Bug’s Life: A Bug’s Life is essentially the cult film of Pixar’s empire. This is an awesome movie, and it inspired one of the greatest attractions at Disneyland, the “It’s Tough to be a Bug” production. I put it at #17 because nobody should ever sympathize with ants.

 

  1. Cars 2: Critics really hate this movie. But, it’s a spy thriller with cars! This movie has been the recipient of a lot of flack, but I really do not think it is warranted. The critics are wrong. Go Tow, Mater!

  1. WALL-E: This is a great movie minus one thing. It’s too realistic. How am I supposed to enjoy a movie that depicts something so awful?! Therefore, I’m not a huge fan of it. Although, who can truly resist the story of two robots falling in love in a post-apocalyptic world?

 

  1. Monsters University: James P. Sullivan and Mike Wazowski in college! This is probably the most average movie Pixar has made. I do not believe anyone actually wanted or asked for a prequel to Monsters, Inc., but it was done, and it was done well.  

 

  1. Toy Story: This was the first movie ever to be released by Pixar, which gives it a special spot in the heart of all. Released in 1995, this movie set new precedents on just about every law of cinematic animation. Pixar said, “This is what we can do. What can you do, other movie studios?” The characters have definitely proven to be timeless. The animation is showing some age, but this does not take away from the enjoyment of the movie.

 

  1. Cars 3: When I was watching this movie in theaters, I really enjoyed it…until the end. They ruined a possible classic with the ending of this movie. I expected an epic comeback from the greatest Pixar character in existence, Lightning McQueen. What ended up happening was his trainer finishing the race for him. It was a lame ending to an otherwise thrilling movie.

 

  1. Brave: Brave, to me, is the most underrated Pixar film. The red-headed archer, Merida, is probably the most down-to-Earth protagonist in the Pixar universe. Plus, the Scottish medieval setting is my FAVORITE setting in any Pixar film. “If you had the chance to change your fate, would you?”

 

  1. Finding Nemo: Similarly to Toy Story, Pixar has been riding off of the coattails of Finding Nemo for years. The plot is oh-so heartwarming (if you forget the annihilation of 500 fish eggs along with the mother of said eggs), and it is the only Pixar movie to take the audience to the upside-down country known as Australia. Overall, this movie is a classic for a reason.

  1. Toy Story 2: I like this movie far more than I like the first one. Pixar managed to make a sequel that not only was on par with the first one, which is quite the achievement. Unlike most sequels, it simply feels like a better movie all around, with regards to animation and storytelling. My one gripe with this movie is the inclusion of a ridiculous sequence in which a toy horse is able to keep up with a real-life, full-size airplane going full speed on a runway.

 

  1. Ratatouille: Only director Brad Bird could make an excellent movie about a chef in Paris, who happens to be a rat. Besides the uniquely comedic and well executed storyline, this movie is another one that stands out due to its setting. I’ve never been to Paris, but my limited (yet extremely accurate and unquestionable) knowledge of Paris comes largely from Ratatouille. Somehow, watching a movie about a rat in Paris makes anyone feel elegant.

 

  1. Inside Out: After a series of Pixar “misses” (such as Cars 2, Brave, and Monsters University), Pixar took a two-year gap before putting out another movie. The movie they put out was Inside Out; it did not disappoint. I think this film is going to continue to be the best original universe of the “modern” Pixar era. It is also the only Pixar movie to include hockey, and I am a big hockey fan.

 

  1. Toy Story 3: In a critical ranking, I would give all the Toy Story movies the exact same ranking. I put Toy Story 3 above the other two on my list because Pixar again manages to improve the franchise, even with the third movie. Again, I bring up the fact that sequels usually do not top the original. However, the Toy Story franchise once again proves to be an exception to the rule. After all, the strawberry bear villain is without a doubt the most menacing villain the toys have ever faced. On June 21st, 2019, Pixar is releasing a fourth Toy Story film. We will have to see where that is destined to end up in my rankings.

 

  1. Up: Up is such a critically acclaimed movie due to how well it seems to touch the “human” part of being a human. The first few minutes of this movie are beloved by most and bring many to tears. While that’s great and all, I simply like the main character, Carl, and the dog, Dug. Plus, I could listen to the main theme all day. ♫♫♫♫

 

  1. Cars: For some reason, many people dislike this movie. They are wrong. The movie is just short of perfect. Lightning McQueen has brought forth joy to millions, perhaps even billions. He could not have done this without this fantastic addition to Pixar’s collection. Owen Wilson, the voice actor who played Lightning McQueen, would say one thing about this movie, “Wow!”

 

  1. Monsters, Inc: Monsters, Inc. brought the green, one-eyed Mike Wazowski and the big blue dude James P. Sullivan to the spotlight. The fresh monster universe portrayed in this film almost feels like science fiction. The whole concept of an entire monster factory having doors that lead to different locations is, as an understatement, clever. The scene near the end that has the protagonists running from the law through a massive factory of doors will always be one of the most iconic scenes in the Pixar universe. Also, monsters use the screams of children to power their cities. Who knew?

 

  1. Incredibles 2: I am not often excited about movies being released. I was incredibly excited for Incredibles 2. I have been waiting for this movie for as long as I can remember, and it fully lived up to my expectations. That should say something by itself. The animation is gorgeous. The soundtrack is art. The plotline was dark enough to keep both kids and adults entertained. The true achievement of Incredibles 2 is its ability to maintain all of the characters of the film. Not a single beat was skipped between the original and the sequel, regardless of the 14-year gap.

 

  1. The Incredibles: This movie not only tops Pixar movies, it tops all movies. The Incredibles is an enthralling film that brings in family turmoil, high-flyin’ super-powered action, and a rich backstory that is jam packed into a movie less than two hours long. I could probably write an entire post about this movie, so I’ll send it off with one word: incredible.

Editor: Leo Milmet

Why you Shouldn’t Live for the Weekend, Proven by Math. (NOT CLICKBAIT)

by 3 Comments

By Luke Langlois

In honor of National Positive Attitude Month, I, Luke Langlois, am here to say that “living for the weekend” is a horrible way to live. I define living for the weekend as counting the days, every week, until you reach the short, two-day weekend. Why live like this? Why not appreciate every day given?

No one is ever skeptical of numbers; therefore, I will use numbers to prove my point. To start, let’s look at some facts. Using my big brain knowledge, I can tell you that there are 52 weeks in a year. If we multiply 52 by 2, we get 104. 104 is the number of weekend days we get a year. If we subtract 104 from 365 (days), we get 261. That would be 261 weekdays in a year. If you despise the weekdays and only live for the weekend, you fail to appreciate 261 days out of the year. Let’s go further. The average human lifespan is 79 years. An average 79 year old experiences 28,835 days (unless they happen to have fallen into a coma). That is a lot of days. More big brain knowledge tells me that 79 (years) multiplied by 261 (weekdays) is 20,619. Finally, let us subtract 20,619 from 28,835. That would be 8,216 weekend days in a 79 year old’s life .

So, in conclusion, live for all seven days of a week. It is to the entire planet’s benefit to learn to appreciate every day that you live. If you live to be 79 and only live for the weekend, you will only appreciate 8,216 days of your life, compared to the possible 28,835. That is a lot of days you could be missing out on! Please, appreciate your days, at least for National Positive Attitude Month.  

Editor: Makena Behnke

Baby Names–What’s Up With That?

by 3 Comments

By Luke Langlois

In a world with seven billion people, it is becoming increasingly difficult to stand out. We all know that people love to be unique. Around the world, original thinking has taken the form of baby names. Rarely is there situation where an unorthodox baby name causes any problems. However, some people really push the boundaries. Here are a few nations that make sure their children are not named anything too ridiculous.

In France, local birth registrars have to inform their local court if they feel a baby’s name will cause issues or excessive mockery. This law, originally created by Napoleon Bonaparte, has caused the “veto” of quite a few prospective French names.

Nutella

Strawberry

Mini Cooper

Deamon

In Germany, there are a couple of baseline rules. Parents cannot give their children gender-neutral names, last names (as first names), names of objects, or names of products. Besides this, Germany has laws similar to France’s where they do not allow names that could lead to a lifetime of embarrassment, names such as . . .

Matti (Not a clear gender indication)

Osama Bin Laden

Adolf Hitler

Kohl (A last name)

In Sweden, the list of banned names is a bit more interesting, to say the least. Similarly to France, Sweden believes that any names that are obviously unsuitable or offensive are illegal. Swedish parents must register their child’s name three months before birth to the Swedish Tax Agency. Primarily, the Swedish government does this to tax people. Other times, they do this to stop a crime against humanity. Swedish unlawful names include . . .

Metallica

Superman

Ikea

“Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlb11116”

Apparently, residents of New Zealand try to go even further when it comes to naming their children. New Zealand bans one hundred character names, names that cause offense, names that are clearly unfit for a human being,  or names that could be seen as an official title rank. Such banned names include . . .

Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii

Lucifer

Fat Boy

Cinderella Beauty Blossom

It’s more than just the eastern hemisphere banning names. Mexico passed a law that banned sixty-one specific names. They banned names that were deemed to lack meaning or are derogatory, names such as . . .

Facebook

Rambo

Hermione

Batman

There are baby-name laws in nearly every country on the face of the Earth, even the liberty-loving United States of America. If this has peaked your curiosity, I encourage you to check out the wide range of illegal baby names and name restrictions. Perhaps these names could provide you with some quick laughs. It is also possible that you’re worried about naming a child something illegal. To add onto this, some of the above names have stories behind them. For example, Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii went to court to change her unwieldy name. No matter what, it is unquestionably beneficial to check out the surprising range of baby-name regulations. I would be a bit careful though; some of these baby names are simply going to be grotesque or offensive.

Editor: AJ Patencio

Primary source: https://www.businessinsider.com/banned-baby-names-from-around-the-world-2016-10

Different Time, Same Humans

by 1 Comment

By Luke Langlois

Unless you happen to be an 80’s movie star with easy access to a certain DeLorean, you most likely have not time traveled. However, you’ve definitely thought of what kind of petty things you could do with the power of time travel. You could tear the very fabric of the universe in order to procrastinate a little longer! While that would be incredible, the sun may implode before we figure that out. For now if we really want to time travel, we simply need to look to one the world’s greatest inventions, film.

When we young people tend to look back to the land before our conceivable time, it’s usually in black and white photography. While we may think we have a general idea of what’s going on, do we really? Personally, I find it difficult to actually process what I’m seeing. My brain registers a black and white picture as little more than a relic of history. In reality though, these people were once living, breathing, and struggling, just like ourselves. My eyes have recently been opened to the past due to the gears of capitalism–advertisements.

Humans seldom look back on what has changed. We seem to view the mid-20th century as a completely different time with things like the Cold War, funny hats, and video games like Pong. While of course big changes have been made globally and culturally, humans have always been humans. Last weekend, I was on YouTube, a rare occurrence in these junior days. On YouTube, as people do, I looked up “old commercials.” I clicked on a video that was titled “Commercials from the 60s.” I was expecting ridiculous advertisements for irrelevant products or some sort of American propaganda. However, I had heard of almost every product featured (look below for a link to said video). It was almost surreal, though that may be a bit dramatic. Many things have changed, but, in the grand scheme of things, there is so much that hasn’t changed at all. We humans are still just humans. While the advertisements are a bit strange by today’s standards, it’s really just a bunch of food, coffee, or medicine commercials. Yes, the Trix rabbit has been attempting to steal cereal for more than half a century.

The point is, we can’t time travel in the science-fiction sense, but we do have access to a type of time travel. I encourage you all to watch any available old film, audio, or video, to put life, and previous eras, into context. Who knows, maybe you’ll be enlightened! Along with the video of commercials I referenced, check out things such as old political or colorized footage.

Tide–because the world has always been in color.

Link to video of advertisements below. Students, you’ll have to watch it at home.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2AQdyB34so)

Editor: Holden Hartle

A Misportrayed Krab

by 2 Comments

By new-to-the-2018-19-birdonfire staff, Blogger Luke Langlois

 

What’s the first word you think of when presented with our favorite animated restaurant owner, Mr. Krabs? It could be something like red, shiny, or even pointy-nosed. Unfortunately, the most prominent description of Mr. Krabs is “cheap.” How often do people use the word “cheap” in a good light? If you’re in need of a bag of Doritos, and a friend won’t lend a dollar, you’d call that friend cheap. If someone gets genuinely excited by a penny on the floor, they’re cheap. If your employer sells your soul for sixty-two cents, they’re cheap. By all accounts, Eugene Krabs has shown himself to be the stereotypical cheapskate. Society would like you to think that being the dictionary definition of a cheapskate is NOT a good thing. Though, is Mr. Krabs truly a cheap crab at heart? Or, is he an overly generous employer? After a brief look at some numbers, the answer is pretty clear.

Let’s take a look at the typical fast-food employee of the United States and compare it to Mr. Krab’s employees. In the United States, someone in the fast food industry is paid about $18,000 a year. In most large cities, the median rent per month for an average apartment would be at least $1,000. Without covering taxes, or any other basic need, that would amount to $12,000 a year, a majority of the salary of an average employee. Clearly, the average fast food employee does not make even close to enough to live in a safe apartment in the city while covering any other basic needs or amenities. How miserable! Who could ever work in the fast-food industry and live a fulfilled life? Spongebob and Squidward could.

Now, we can take a look at Spongebob and Squidward, Mr. Krabs’s two most loyal employees of nearly twenty years. Both of these fast-food employees are clearly able to provide for themselves. They have sizable and safe households. Besides being the owners of safe and decently sized domiciles, Spongebob and Squidward live in the outskirts of a prime city under the ocean.  As far as us viewers know, there are no other major cities in existence in the Spongebob universe. Adding on to this, the most desirable homes in cities are usually the suburban ones, such as Spongebob’s pineapple or Squidward’s Easter Island Head. To sum it up, these employees live in safe and spacious homes in the prime of this aquatic metropolis. Not only that, but Spongebob and Squidward have been known to have more than just basic needs. Spongebob is well known for his expert caretaking as well as jellyfishing. Like Spongebob, Squidward is able to pursue his passions. He paints, plays the clarinet, and even takes dance lessons. These are all expensive pursuits, especially in a capitalist society! In comparison to our above-water society, Squidward and Spongebob are paid exceptionally well for their seemingly mundane jobs in the fast-food industry.

Does the point not drive itself home? Mr. Krabs, mistakenly portrayed as a cheap and horrible crab to work for, is in fact one of the most generous people you could EVER work for. If you hear anyone call Mr. Krabs cheap, sit them down and make sure their minds are forever changed.

 

DISCLAIMER: While Mr. Krabs pays generously and allows his two employees to live a good life, he has made a few mistakes. Luke does not personally support the following: thievery, counterfeiting, 24/7 labor, selling the souls of employees, assault of employees, jellyfish slavery, grave robbery, attempted murder, or charging people for breathing.

 

Editor: Bella Bier