By Peter Kadel, Senior Survival Scout
Essays, the go-to assignment of choice for English teachers everywhere. Ranging from 1 page to 100 pages, throughout your high-school career you will write so many essays and papers that it is likely that one of them will resemble the works of Shakespeare. But, what if all of them could be as good as the great William Shakespeare? Today, here at Pete’s Declassified, we are going to teach you how to write essays that are so good they will make your teacher question the very fabric of the universe and move to Thailand to discover inner peace. So fasten your seatbelts everyone! It’s time to learn.
- First, you need to consider your deadline. The best concepts can be ruined by spending too much time worrying about staying on topic and making sense. The best time to write a wonderful essay are the first 48 hours after the essay has been assigned; if you wait any longer your ideas will be lost forever. So, as soon as an essay is assigned, check yourself out of school, and go home. Once you are home, lock all of the doors and retreat to your lair to begin writing.
- During your 48-hour writing marathon, you are going to need to fuel your mind and body so you have enough energy to write a wonderful essay. While coffee may sound like the right choice, it’s not. Your best bet is to embrace your inner mad scientist and concoct a caffeinated sugar monstrosity so potent that it will give you a caffeine buzz just from looking at it. My personal favorite is brewing my coffee in Red Bull instead of water and instead of using creamer I buy an iced mocha and use that as my creamer to maximize caffeine intake. Once you’ve got a gallon or two of that in your system, you’ll be all fired up to write an amazing essay.
- Now that you are ready to begin writing your essay, you need to think about the content of the essay. While the subject will vary, all essays can follow the same template: hook, line, and sinker. The hook should be eye-catching and astonishing, so even if it doesn’t relate to the rest of your essay, use the flashiest paragraph you can muster to hook your audience. Next, comes the line; all you need to do for this portion of the essay is write as many lines/pages as you need to fulfill the essay’s requirements. Use as many quotes as you can; there is no need to reinvent the wheel here. The human race has been writing stuff down for thousands of years; it would be wasteful not to use what previous generations have written. My favorite resources to quote are the Rosetta Stone, the Magna Carta, the White-Gold Concordat, and business records from Mesopotamia. Once your line is of adequate length, it’s time to move on to the sinker. All you need to know for the sinker is that it should essentially sink your essay in reality. Bring it down. Crush it like reality crushes all high-school students.
If you follow all of these steps, your essays will bring a tear to your teacher’s eye and an “A” to your report card. You’re welcome.
Editor: Makena Behnke