the bird on fire

The Bird is the Word: Sophisticated Schoolyard Shenanigans

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Love Poem #2

January 30, 2019 by szachik@pvs.org Leave a Comment

By Jeremy Cheng

阳光像一个精湛艺术家

他的光芒照耀在你的脸上

制作出一副世界独一无二金我一人可观的绝世美画

多么想要抱着你一起入睡,听着你呼吸。 安稳入睡。

起床后第一眼

你就在我的身边。


Sun is a professional artist.

His light shines on your face

creates a unique second-to-none painting,

and it is only for me.

How I want to sleep beside you,

listen to you breathe and sleep comfortably.

The first eye after getting up,

you next to me.

Editor: Holden Hartle

Filed Under: Culture, Poetry, Uncategorized Tagged With: Jeremy Cheng, Love2 Poem

The Weak

January 14, 2019 by szachik@pvs.org Leave a Comment

By Translator and Blogger James Zheng

So, I was browsing on a Chinese video sharing website called Bilibili (which is similar to Youtube), and then I found this amazing poem among the comments while I was watching a well-made AMV (anime music video). Shockingly, this poem was written by a normal anime reviewer. The translation is by me.


By Scattered Sakura (Screen name)


Rain brings the flavor of the sky;

the ocean carries the atmosphere of the abyss;

cicadas of late summer deliver their taunts to human beings;

the intolerable pain of the spine oppresses the fragile nerves.

Those cowards who had never been to the battlefield roared presumptuously.

They were wishing to tear apart the prey,

while they remained endlessly hateful about the cloudy sky,

and the deadly calm of the Jordanian river in the deep winter.

Twisted with hundreds of emotions and sentiments, the battlefield led to the Crows’ bloodthirst.

The stinky wind came from the sea;

the heavy rain brought extremely frozen water,

And the furiously raging flame was extinguished.

No redemption, no destruction, only obedience can lead to survival.

Sweat flowed down the girl’s smooth body,

withered leaves sprinkled with blood and tears.

The swan cut across the sky,

full of loneliness and desolation–caged birds pray for a storm full of life.

However, in front of the higher herdsmen,

we can only be captive lambs, fearing death, while hoping that the glory of victory spreads over the earth before dawn.


Before I shoot off to tell you how extraordinary this poem is, I must tell you that there is a slight difference between Chinese and American figurative and literal meanings, as well as writing styles. Because of the translation, there might be some places in the poem that may slightly confuse you.

What is really fascinating about this entire poem is the way it depicts a vivid image to interpret the significant term, “the weak.” The word choice actually conveys to me an oppressive atmosphere where one force overcomes another.

Editor: Luke Langlois

Filed Under: Culture, Poetry, The World, Uncategorized Tagged With: James Zheng, The Weak

Holden Rants About a Topic That Isn’t Really Relevant But is Still Kind of Interesting: Part 1

December 20, 2018 by szachik@pvs.org 4 Comments

How Much Symbolism is Too Much?

By Holden Hartle

I have the pleasure of taking a class with Mr. Griffin. He introduced the idea of symbolism to me when I was a freshman, and now I am reintroduced to it as a senior. He has opened my eyes to a whole new way of reading a story. Currently in class we are discussing short stories. Some ideas are far fetched–like a card game representing the Irish economy. The discussions we have in class explore the story beneath the story, as Mr. Griffin likes to put it.

For example, we read the story A&P by John Updike, in which a teenager quits his job as a cashier to go chase some girls in bikinis. At least, this is the story on the surface level. If you go one level deeper, the story is kind of a coming-of-age story, as the cashier quits his job because it proves that he can be autonomous. You can even go one step deeper and look at the lighting of the story. The “fake” lighting inside the store conveys the illusion that the teenager can actually go out and get these girls, but when he steps into the sunlight, or the “real” lighting, he is met with “reality” and the fact that he can’t get those girls.

But when does symbolism go too far? How deep can you look into a story before your symbolic interpretation just becomes wrong? Well, as with most cases, there are two sides to the story. One side can argue that whatever the reader can extrapolate from the story as symbolism should be taken as such, but the other side may argue that sometimes the author may just want to write something for the sake of writing it. Not all pieces of literature have to have symbolism. The common example is when an author writes, “The curtains were painted blue.” Mr. Griffin and I may look at this sentence and say that the curtains convey the protagonist’s sadness, and possibly his loneliness, when in fact the author may have just written that the curtains were blue, with no intended symbolism whatsoever.

There is another side of the story that raises an interesting question. Sometimes, symbolism reveals secrets about the author, regardless of whether or not they put it in consciously. If we use the curtain example again, what if we were to say that the curtains are blue because the author was feeling depressed at that point in time. Is that fair to say? In my opinion, no. It is unfair to extrapolate symbolism and relate it to the author, because you could stretch an idea to the point that you could say the author is a sexist for using a color primarily associated with boys.

So, yes, Mr. Griffin and the AP Literature class have a grand ol’ time “over analyzing” passages, but there is a point where symbolic analysis becomes too much. Personally, I believe that the author and the piece should remain separate entities. You, as the reader, can take whatever you want out of the story, but what you take from the story shouldn’t fall back onto the author. This has been Holden Rants About a Topic That Isn’t Really Relevant But is Still Kind of Interesting: Part 1.

Editor: AJ Patencio

Filed Under: Fiction, Op-Ed, Uncategorized Tagged With: Holden Hartle

How to Get Through High School: An Interview with Ben Snyder

December 13, 2018 by szachik@pvs.org Leave a Comment

By Blogger-Interviewer Leo Milmet

Welcome to How To Get Through High School: An Interview with an Academic Intellectual of Palm Valley School. In it, I interview the incredibly  successful Ben Snyder, senior at Palm Valley School, and I, along with the reader, learn a bit about who Ben is and what makes him successful? Ben Snyder and I sit down and talk about school and life. My questions for Ben are written in italics, while his answers are in normal font.

Leo: What is your full name?

Ben: Benjamin Thomas Snyder.

Leo: Why am I interviewing you?

Ben: Because you perceive me as academically successful. I get good grades. Most recently, I got the AP Scholar with Distinction award and I’m a National Merit Scholarship Semi-Finalist.

Leo: What are your hopes? Your dreams? Your ambitions in the future that motivate you?

Ben: That’s something I’ve been trying to figure out for a while. Recently, I’ve focused on physics. That’s developing as a passion of mine. It’s a most fundamental science. I’m a very logical person, and that’s just what intrigues me the most and gets me the most excited.

Leo: How do you find motivation?

Ben: My academic motivation stems from values entrenched in me from a young age. It’s just what you get. You did your homework to the best of your ability, you tried your best, and as I grew older, I learned why I was doing this. It was for my future. I’m still exploring, and I don’t know ultimately what I want to do with my life, so I want to get to a good college that puts forth opportunities for me to find my true passion that I can apply to earning a living as well. I’m still exploring.

Leo: What is your number one piece of advice for students going into high school next year?

Ben: Figure out what works for you. Every situation is unique, so whatever you’re doing has to work for you, what I mean by this is whatever goal you’re trying to accomplish and whatever you want to get out of high school–and that’s definitely not limited to academics. It could be socially, it could be, um, introspective, it could be, just buckling down and getting through it so you get a degree, or it could just be wandering through it because you don’t know what to do yet. It’s all unique to the person.

Leo: What is your number one piece of advice for students who are just going into Advanced Placement courses?

Ben: Don’t put coursework ahead of your well-being.

Leo: How do you manage time effectively, balancing out extracurriculars, AP courses, regular courses, the play, clubs, etc. with free time? APs generally give over an hour of homework each night, and other activities also take up a bunch of time, so how do you do it?

Ben: First of all, the hour-a-night thing about AP courses isn’t true for this school. They don’t always give an hour a night. For me personally, I like to tackle one thing at a time; I’m bad at multitasking, and it stresses me out when I multitask. Attack one assignment or objective at a time. That’s not always an option, but still keeping organized is what you need to do. I feel that in a way it’s kind of unfair because in some aspects I have a compulsion for order, and y’know, there’s like a… for instance, because I developed the habit of writing everything down in my planner and crossing it off when finished, I have a compulsion to do it even if it’s not necessary, so that I’m never aggravated by having to do it. If I forget to write something [an assignment] down, and I’ve already done it, I don’t do it, obviously, but for the most part, I write things down. For me, the things that I am organized about come natural to me, and the things I’m not, it really takes it out of me. If I have to keep my room organized, it’s exhausting.

Leo: Does being left-brained give you an academic advantage?

Ben: No, because there are creative elements to the school system. For example, I marvel at how someone like Amanda  (Amanda Laule, a Palm Valley senior) can understand the passages she reads.

Leo: What, specifically, are 2-3 things everyone should do to be successful in school, as a baseline?

Ben: Pay attention to teachers in class. Lectures. Also, give yourself breaks. If you really don’t feel like doing homework, it probably won’t be your best work, but I still recommend doing it, but after a break.

Leo: What are some more habits of successful students that you would suggest to people who want to become better students?

Ben: From what I’ve observed from my peers, it’s the people who care the most about academics and the people who prioritize getting work done.

Leo: How do you thrive within the system?

Ben: I mostly just work within it. I do what is asked of me, for the most part.

Leo: Any secret suggestions to high schoolers to minimize the stress of high school?

Ben: No, I don’t know any secrets. It’s gonna be there if you really care.

Leo: Any regrets about your high school experience that could educate others on what to do or what not to do?

Ben: I wish I had started thinking about college earlier. That’s about it.

Leo: How do you balance the pressures of AP courses and exams and SATs and the pressures of college application work?

Ben: Just…I find time. I mean, I have to sacrifice, like, I don’t get to study for regular tests or quizzes. I pretty much just find the time whenever I can.

Leo: What tools do you use to help yourself stay centered?

Ben: I keep my personal interests intact. Y’know, for me, I play basketball. Do whatever you like.

Leo: What are the easiest APs you took? The hardest?

Ben: Easiest for me was AP Calculus AB. The hardest, for me, it was AP US History.

Leo: What are your secrets to college application essays? To essays in general?

Ben: I don’t know. I’d love those secrets if someone has them, because I kinda struggle with introspection sometimes.

Leo: What are your biggest successes? Your biggest failures? How could you have avoided your failures?

Ben: I think the failures I’ve cared most about is the performance of the basketball team. We underperformed, I think, last year, compared to what we could’ve accomplished. I actually care a lot about that.

Leo: What makes you interesting as a person, and how did these character traits help or hinder you as a student? How might you grow these more desirable character traits and how might you temper the undesirable ones?

Ben: I’m an introvert, um, like my sense of humor is…unexpected. Introversion probably helped me because I didn’t feel as much of a desire to be social in my free time, but at the same time, I still have interests to distract me, so…

Leo: Any more keys to your being so successful?

Ben: I’ve probably already said this, but paying attention in class to teachers, I think, is the most important.

Thanks very much, Ben. You’re an incredible guy. Have a good day.

Editor: Bella Bier

Filed Under: Uncategorized

never seeing Her again

November 28, 2018 by szachik@pvs.org 1 Comment

By poet-blogger Leo Milmet

 

“i’ve seen too many Nicholas Sparks movies to be affected by

Our inevitable breakup,” i thought.

until this moment, that is. now it definitely affects me.

i don’t care what i said before.

it was utterly ridiculous to even think such a thing.

a golden-hearted, perfect Human sits by me.

i softly hold Her head to my chest.

this is the last time i ever get to do that.

tomorrow, i leave for the golden coast, for sunny California.

i’ve been there before, and it ain’t half as golden as She is.

She sits in silence; a silence i‘m not willing to break, not for the life of me.

what could i say? she’s my first love, has been for two years.

i might never see Her again.

She leaves tomorrow too, but for Pennsylvania;

there’s actually a chance that i will never again see Her;

i’m just sitting here absorbing that painful fact, kissing Her head.

i wish this truly Perfect Moment would never end, but it will.

it will.

 

what should i say?

“i love You?”

i do love Her, and i’ve said so countless times today.

She’s my best Friend, my favorite Person.

and nothing i could say or do or think or feel could take away the not-so-small pain of tonight,

the pain that comes before the first day of the rest of my life,

the pain that i will feel from never seeing Her again.

 

Editor: AJ Patencio

Filed Under: Uncategorized

The Chinese Fashion of the Qing Dynasty ala Opera

October 19, 2018 by szachik@pvs.org 2 Comments

By Blogger Fashion Expert Jeremy Cheng

 

Chinese Fashion Element of Qing Dynasty

 

The story of Yanxi Palace is a Chinese soap opera which talks about the Qianlong Emperor in the Qing Dynasty.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FjVLUYrT4YU&t=22s

 

Before starting this article, I highly recommend you click the link above, and listen to the music from this opera.

This opera is good at using filters and colors to create noble, grandiose, and peaceful vibes for the audiences.

Film directors and producers read and searched a lot of books about the furniture of the Qing dynasty.

They used Chinese traditional classic color and Chinese elements for composition of the following pictures.

With the costumes, they tried to create a costume most accurate to the time period.

They also looked for the people who worked in the Imperial Palace to make the authentic-looking costumes.

The producers referenced different historical data and ancient paintings.

JinYan Wu is a leading female role in the Story of Yanxi Palace.

She plays Ling Consort.

 

Some people think her appearance is not good for this character.

While watching the ancient painting of this character, we can tell there are some similarities such as her eyebrows, earrings, and lips.

 

The fan that the Mother of the Emperor holds is copied from the Qing Shamian Tiejuan Xianhe Taoshu Tutuan Fan.

The fan is made by using traditional Chinese needlepoint.

The hairstyle was called Erba Tou.

This hairstyle was not popular under Emperor Qianlong’s control, but during Emperor Xianfeng.

Qing dynasty females liked to make their hair bigger so as to insert more hair decorations. In their opinion, it shows they are high in status.

China has 56 nations. Most of the people in China are in the Han nation.

Qing dynasty is under the Rule of Manchu. Females need to wear three earrings in each ear.

One ear with three earrings is a symbol of Manchu (One of the nations in China) females.

The materials of the earring are based on the person’s status in society.

The Empress uses gold, and consorts use silver and emeralds.

Usually, the Empress is allowed to use the most valuable jewelry, others are not.

 

The Story of Yanxi Palace uses a lot of intangible cultural heritage, such as embroidery, silk, velvet flowers, etc.

Velvet flower is pronounced the same as “荣华” (Rong Hua) in Chinese with“绒花” (Rong Hua) meaning auspicious and rich. Chinese is the only country to make money as their belief.

The procedure of making velvet flowers is a special and complex work. Nowadays, we don’t have any machine to produce it. They can only be handcrafted.

 

According to Wikipedia, Kunqu, also known as Kunju, Kun opera or Kunqu Opera, is one of the oldest extant forms of Chinese opera.

Six hundred years ago, Kunqu started in the south of China. It was the “ancestor of all kinds of operas” that inspired the whole world. The music was popular among scholars and the literati in the South of China. Kunqu was famous for gorgeous singing, elegant reading, and graceful dancing.

Tea culture is one of the most significant elements of Chinese culture.

In this opera, over ten different famous Chinese tea appear.

The tea can present the status and personality of people.

 

Chinese culture is broad and profound, and words cannot be explained clearly.

Experiencing is the best way to learn about it.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M0vNVjFBTHU&list=PL0oIhHqnHf4mzfNQEIaR4r6o8oVwH9Glo&index=31

(Experience some music right here. All music that comes from the opera)

Editor: Makena Behnke

Filed Under: Uncategorized

Death is Sexy

September 6, 2018 by szachik@pvs.org Leave a Comment

A One-Act by Charles Schnell, former Blog Staffer, now freelancer who aspires to write and publish the book A Hundred Ways to Ruin a Date and Two Hundred Ways to Fix It.

(SAM, a teenage boy, is in his bedroom lying on his bed, preoccupied with his phone. He’s wearing a yarmulke. There’s not much to his room: a bed, a dresser, a desk with a chair, a TV, and a video game console. Then, DEATH—a sexy, flirtatious young lady in her 20s—crawls through the window in nothing but her black undergarments, which have skull designs plastered all over. She’s also boasting a skull-plastered small black backpack. She tumbles onto SAM’s carpeted floor.)

SAM. Holy smoke! What’re you doing?

DEATH. (brushing herself off) Hello, Sam.

SAM. Who are you? Jennifer Aniston?

DEATH. No, I’m Death.

SAM. Is that your supermodel name or….?

DEATH. My real name. Listen, can I sit down? Climbing up here really took a lot out of me. (sits next to him on his bed)

SAM. (looking with eyes full of amazement) Okay, well, what do you want, Death?

DEATH. Do you have any Sprite? I could really use a refreshment.

SAM. Only Sierra Mist.

DEATH. Damn mortals.

SAM. What’re you doing here? You wouldn’t have come all this way just for a Sprite, Death. My parents would kill me if they found a girl like you in my room.

DEATH. (surveying him) Or they would pinch themselves out of disbelief. I’ve come to take you to the afterlife.

SAM. Okay….

DEATH. Your time has come.

SAM. Okay….

DEATH. Now all I need you to do is kiss me.

SAM. (does a double take, acknowledges audience) Okay! (leans in toward her)

(He shuts his eyes and goes in for the kiss. DEATH smiles devilishly and leans in. Just as their lips are about to touch, DEATH burps. Loudly. DEATH jumps up, flustered and embarrassed.)

DEATH. Oh, I’m so embarrassed! I thought I had finished digesting all the others!

SAM. Others?

DEATH. My apologies.

SAM. You mean you…

(Death and Sam speak simultaneously.) DEATH. Would’ve sent your soul to the afterlife and eaten your body?          SAM. Go to other guys houses and kiss them?

DEATH. Yes.          SAM. What!?

DEATH. That is the idea. How else are people supposed to go when it’s their time?

SAM. What do you mean?

DEATH. I’ve already told you, silly. I’m Death!

SAM. So when you said my time was up….

DEATH. Yep!

SAM. Wait, hold on! I don’t want to go yet.

DEATH. Oh, oh, what am I supposed to say here!? Sorry, forgive me it’s my first day on the job. Hold on, let me look at the handbook.

(DEATH pulls out the “BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO TAKING SOULS” out of her small black backpack.)

SAM. Job? Handbook?

DEATH. Ah, yes. Here we go. Ahem…. “We sincerely apologize that you don’t want to go yet. But unfortunately, your time has come. In life, we all must undergo things we do not want to. Nor are those things often ever under our control. For example, one time a man booked a ticket on American Airlines and got stuck next to a corporate lawyer for the entire flight.”

SAM. How’s that supposed to make me feel better?

DEATH. “The irony of this story is that after the flight, the guy wanted his time to come. Sometimes it can be a blessing!”

SAM. Look, I have no idea who you are or what crazy organization you belong to or how much red meat you’ve consumed recently. All I know is that you are very hot and I really want to kiss you. But, you ain’t worth going to the afterlife for!

DEATH. C’mon, kiss me!

SAM. No! If I kiss you, my soul will be sent to the afterlife, right?

DEATH. Yep!

SAM. What if I don’t kiss you?

DEATH. Then I’ll just have to take you normally.

SAM. Normally?

DEATH. Like all the other Deaths.

SAM. So you don’t have to kiss me? Then why do you? Not that I’m complaining.

DEATH. Oh, don’t get so fret up. They assign me to people who haven’t had their first kiss yet. That’s my position. I kiss them out of pity.

SAM. Hey, I’ve had my first kiss!

DEATH. Oh, don’t try to lie to me. In the afterlife, we know all. Besides, your cousin doesn’t count.

(SAM opens his mouth, but can’t think of anything to say to defend himself. He turns to hide his shame, notices his game console, and gets an idea.)

DEATH. Well, are you ready? I’m on a tight schedule. Kiss me already!

SAM. Wait! How about we make a deal? Let’s play a game of Madden. If you win, you get to take me. You don’t even need to kiss me! But if I win, you don’t take my soul and let me keep living.

DEATH. What’s in it for me?

SAM. What? You scared you’re going to lose?

DEATH. Scared!? I’m Death! I’ll have you know that at the office, we all play Madden on our time off! You’re on!

(SAM turns on the console, the TV. SAM sits on the bed while DEATH sits in the desk chair as they face the TV. They start playing.)

SAM: So what’s it like in the after life?

DEATH. Way better than here.

SAM. Really?

DEATH. Yeah! We’ve got Madden, cupcakes, blankets, quality plumbing, almost no bugs, quite profitable crop yields, a true democracy (as opposed to the American system), Dunkin’ Donuts. Plus the stock market is soaring right now.

SAM. Wow, it seems as if the afterlife has no downsides.

DEATH. Well, I wouldn’t say that. You’ve gotta die, and that’s a one-way trip. And, as much as reality sucks, it’s really the only place you can take a nice, hot shower.

SAM. Well, you can’t have everything.

DEATH. And the worst part—we’ve still got serial killers, rapists, and insurance salesmen.

(They focus on the game for a beat.)

DEATH. Ha! Interception!

SAM. I’m still up by 7…. So, how long have you been doing this death gig?

DEATH. About three days.

SAM. A newbie?

DEATH. Yep!

SAM. How many people have you kissed so far?

DEATH. 240.

SAM. Were you human before this or….?

DEATH. Nope. I was created three days ago.

SAM. By who?

DEATH. Death! My brothers and sisters and I are all extensions of Death.

SAM. Do you have any allergies?

DEATH. Nuts. Death is VERY allergic to nuts.

SAM. Really? Nuts are the weakness, huh? Nuts: the key to immortality.

DEATH. Oops. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that. Ah!

SAM. And another touchdown for me! Halftime show!

(SAM gets up and dances. He pulls out his phone and blasts “Get Down Tonight” by KC and the Sunshine Band.)

DEATH. What are you doing?

SAM. I’m winning. I’m cheating Death. This calls for a celebration!

DEATH. Not so fast. Look, half time’s over. Here comes my comeback!

SAM. You’re down by 21….

DEATH. Zip it.

(Sam stops the music and returns to the game, and thus the conversation.)

SAM. So, Death, I guess you know everything about the universe, right?

DEATH. Yes.

SAM. Can I ask you some questions that plague my existentialist mind?

DEATH. Sure.

SAM. Are there any restaurants in the afterlife? If so, how late are they open and what are their Yelp scores?

DEATH. Well, to put things simply, have you ever tried the KFC breakfast specials on a Tuesday morning?

SAM. Yeah.

DEATH. Afterlife food is worse.

SAM. Well, that’s great. At least I can finally lose some weight.

DEATH. Better late than never.

SAM. You know, a bunch of people think that the creation story is a myth, but is evolution really real?

DEATH. This is still quite a heated debate in the afterlife. However, let me put it this way: Evolution is the idea that we’re evolving, or, in other words, getting better as a species, and looking at you, clearly that’s not the case.

SAM. We sure are getting better at Madden though.

DEATH. Yeah, yeah…. You say as I tie up the game!

SAM. Marvelous.  

DEATH. One minute left!

SAM. (attains a serious tone, while still focusing on the game) Hey, Death….

DEATH. (still focused on the game) What!?

SAM. (glances at her, but his priorities are still clearly the game) You’re… really sexy.

DEATH. I know.

SAM. I think… I want to take you up on that kiss.

DEATH. (drops attention to game) You know what’ll happen right?

SAM. (glances at her more, but still pressing buttons occasionally) Yeah, and after hearing about how great the afterlife is, how could I not kiss you?

DEATH. Come here, Sam. Kiss me as if your death depends on it.

(He inches his lips closer and closer to hers. Just as the lips are about to touch….)

SAM. And touchdown! (he celebrates) I ran out the clock and scored at the last second, look!

DEATH. You mischievous midget, I’m gonna kill you!

SAM. Nuh-uh. A deal’s a deal. I’ve won my life! I never lose!

DEATH. (giving him one last glance over) Clearly.

SAM. Buh-bye Death!

DEATH. I don’t get paid enough for this. My brothers and sisters are never gonna let this up! Agh! Farewell, kid. I’ve got other prepubescent boys who need their dreams fulfilled.

SAM. Are you referring to the kissing or dying?

DEATH. Exactly.

(She runs and dives through the window and crashes through the glass, forgetting she closed it earlier)

DEATH. (from outside and below) Ow! My pelvis!

MOTHER. (offstage) Sam! What was that?

FATHER. (offstage) I told you to stop throwing the controller when you lose, damn it!

(BLACKOUT)

Editor: Luke Langlois

Filed Under: Fiction, Humor, Letters, Uncategorized Tagged With: Charles Schnell, Death is Sexy, One-Act

Stranger Than Fiction

June 4, 2018 by szachik@pvs.org Leave a Comment

By Reddit Investigator Brennan Nick

Most people know what The Onion is. It is a “news” source that posts hilariously fictional articles on ridiculous subjects. However, you do not need to look to fiction to laugh at stories that may seem as if they’re fake. Below are some ecstatically funny headlines that were found in actual news sources:

 

1. “Restaurant arms diners with squirt guns to ward off… seagulls”

Source: The Takeout

2. “Farmer accused of shooting murder blames gunfire on eggplant”

Source: 9news

3. “Scientists plan DNA hunt for Loch Ness monster next month”

Source: Reuters

4. “Man rescued from Taliban didn’t believe Donald Trump was President”

Source: Newsweek

5. “Uber’s search for a female CEO has been narrowed down to 3 men”

Source: The Denver Post

6. “Passenger turned away from two flights after wearing 10 layers of clothing to avoid luggage fee”

Source: The Telegraph

7. “UPS loses Family’s $846K Inheritance, Offers to Refund $32 Shipping Fee”

Source: Newsweek

8. “Justin Bieber banned from China in order to ‘purify’ nation”

Source: The Telegraph

9. “NPR tweets the Declaration of Independence, and people freak out about a ‘revolution’”

Source: The Kansas City Star

10. “Man who mowed lawn with tornado behind him says he ‘was keeping an eye on it.’”

Source: Times Colonist

11. “Ferry McFerryface to be name of new Sydney ferry after public vote”

Source: ABC News

12. “Alt-Right White Supremacists Claim Papa John’s as Official Pizza”

Source: Newsweek

13. “White supremacists taking DNA tests sad to discover they’re not 100% white”

Source: Global News

14. “Palestinian judge bans divorce during Ramadan because ‘people make hasty decisions when they’re hungry’”

Source: Independent

15. “After 4th DWI, man argues legal limit discriminates against alcoholics”

Source: Statesman

16. “Argentinian officers fired after claiming mice ate half a ton of missing marijuana”

Source: The Guardian

17. “‘Nobody kill anybody’: Murder-free weekend urged in Baltimore”

Source: The Baltimore Sun

18. “Texas judge interrupts jury, says God told him defendant is not guilty”

Source: Statesman

19. “Saudi Arabia accidentally prints textbook showing Yoda sitting next to the king”

Source: The Telegraph

20. “‘Japan’s slowest roller coaster’” derails, passengers don’t notice”

Source: Sora News 24

 

Editor: AJ Patencio

Filed Under: Culture, Current News, Media, Satire, The World, Uncategorized Tagged With: Brennan Nick, Stranger Than Fiction

Juxtaposition

May 25, 2018 by szachik@pvs.org 3 Comments

By Peter Kadel

He stood before me, looking as he looked every day–rugged, a man of the forest, bearded and burly. He and his possessions were not gilded or lavish but utilitarian and plain. He and everything he owned had a purpose that they fulfilled adequately. None of his features or possessions were extraordinary in any way, with one exception–the pen. He always carried an ornately decorated fountain pen. I never found out where he got it or how he was ever able to afford such a gilded masterpiece. But, he had it with him always, a special pocket on his rucksack held the treasure so it was safe yet easy to reach. The body of the pen was made from a piece of obsidian as black as a moonless night with gold inlay and a golden nib. I was always surprised when I saw him holding the black treasure. It was a diamond in the rough of his demeanor. His worn and weathered hands worried the smooth glasslike surface. I never saw him use it, but the pen was always there.

He would never part with it: when the drought hit and we were starving and thirsty, he kept it. When the common folks were prohibited from reading and writing, he kept it. When a group of bandits took my sister and demanded our valuables, he kept it. When rumors spread of a wealthy collector offering a large sum for old writing implements, he kept it. When he was given a choice between the pen and his life….

It was just a pen, not a long lost relic, not a family treasure passed down for generations, not a holy artifact coveted by all. I’ll never understand why he cared about that thing so much. When I asked him why it was worth more than a human life, he said, “I carry these tools all over these here mountains, and I use them to create things so I can survive. But this pen won’t help me survive. If I were to use this pen to create something, that something lasts beyond me.”

So there it was, greed and vanity. Or maybe not. When he lay dying in a pool of his own failings, he handed the pen to me.

Editor: Claire Jenkins

Filed Under: Fiction, Uncategorized Tagged With: Fountain Pen, Juxtaposition, Peter Kadel

Introduction to Shelby’s Shenanigans: Ms. Clark as Special Guest

May 23, 2018 by szachik@pvs.org Leave a Comment

By Shelby Armor

Hello, and welcome to “Shelby’s Shenanigans”! This is a podcast that explores the people of Palm Valley School by talking to staff and students, taking a look at who we are as people, and how we shape a PVS community. Today, for our first episode, we’re talking to Middle and Upper School teacher, Ms. Clark. We examine her connection with yoga and the outdoors, as well as psychology and how that has influenced her life. I hope you enjoy the premiere episode of “Shelby’s Shenanigans”!

https://www.thebirdonfire.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Me-Clark-Episode-1.m4a

Editor: Claire Jenkins

Filed Under: Interview, Uncategorized Tagged With: Ms. Clark, Shelby Armor, Shelby's Shenanigans, Shenanigator

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About

We are the Palm Valley Firebirds of Rancho Mirage, California. Join us in our endeavors. Venture through the school year with us, perusing the artwork of our students, community, and staff. Our goal is to share the poems, stories, drawings and photographs, essays and parodies that come out of our school. Welcome aboard!