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Picture Day: A Poem

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By Leo Milmet

Picture day, when people try to look their best so they can have an unrealistic nostalgia trip in forty years.

Picture day, when you take a picture with EXACTLY the right amount of smile.

Picture day, when they rank kids from tallest to shortest so they can get in exactly the right place on an uncomfortable metallic bench.

Picture day, a day of hell for people who hate the word (and/or the food) “cheese.”

Picture day, a day that unapologetically and openly celebrates vanity, as opposed to other days which apologetically and subtextually celebrate vanity.

Picture day, the day when you sit out in the hotter-than-Hades desert sun, squinting in its radiating brightness, and waiting as the photographer perfects the camera settings.

Picture day, where you better remember to wear formal dress or you may not be in the class photo.

 

So, please, remember to wear formal dress on Picture Day at Palm Valley School, this Tuesday, September 18th, 2018.

Editor: Luke Langlois

Without

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Take a moment with Blogger Makena Behnke

too many people go through life blindly. they don’t notice the colors in the innermost part of their friend’s eyes. they don’t notice the many colors that are born in the mountains. they don’t notice the way the light bounces off their best friend’s smile.

too many people go through life without feeling. they don’t feel the way the warm water engulfs their body when they swim. they don’t feel the way their friend’s hand brushes against theirs. they don’t feel the way their hand feels when they first run it through their hair in the morning.

too many people go through life without appreciating the little things. they don’t care about the way their favorite candle gives a certain glow to the room. they don’t care about the little doodles their friends leave on their notes. they don’t care about the scuff marks that appear on their favorite pair of shoes.

Editor: Bella Bier

WNBA Info Guide

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By Holden Hartle, Sports-Blogger

If any of you are like me, a diehard NBA fan, you know that the WNBA has been in sports talks recently. Within the last year, many of WNBA players have felt as if they have been deserving of more respect as they are playing at the same level as NBA players. There is also the controversy that they are paid a small fraction of the percentage that NBA players are paid. In my attempt to give more recognition to these talented ladies, I have been watching the WNBA playoffs (which are really exciting), and in an attempt to get more people to watch this amazing sport, this is an intro guide.

General Knowledge and How the WNBA is Different From the NBA

The WNBA, or Women’s National Basketball Association, has 12 teams (a small amount compared to the NBA’s 30 teams). This makes the WNBA a more competitive league, and it means that only the best out of the best women will get drafted as this decrease in teams means fewer draft spots.

Skylar Diggins-Smith

The other big difference that I spotted was how the playoffs work. The NBA takes the top eight teams from each conference, and the playoffs commence. The WNBA is very different. The WNBA takes the top eight teams out of the entire league and reseeds them based on record and puts them into the playoffs. I, personally, wish the NBA was like this. Currently in the NBA, the Western Conference is stacked, with the Golden State Warriors and the Houston Rockets leading that charge. If the WNBA playoffs worked how the NBA playoffs do, we wouldn’t get to see Skylar Diggins-Smith, who has become a leader of WNBA activism, or Liz Cambage, who broke the WNBA single-game scoring record. In the NBA playoff system, these players would just have to try their luck next season. Furthermore, the first round is single elimination, while the semifinals and finals are a best of 5 series.

This brings me to a point that I mentioned earlier, the WNBA draft. Recently the WNBA draft lottery was announced, and the Las Vegas Aces got the first pick. With fewer teams, but an equal amount of talent coming out of college, only the best players in the entire country are competing in the WNBA.

A Brief Description of The Top or Most Promising Teams

If you want to join the WNBA following, but you don’t know which team to support. Well, here is a brief description of each team going into the 2019 season.

Atlanta Dream

The Dream ended the regular season at the top of the Eastern Conference and as the second best team in the league. They barely topped the Washington Mystics after Atlanta’s Alex Bentley torched them with her shooting.

Chicago Sky

Though the Sky were fourth in their conference, they were in the bottom half in the league in terms of their record. They are led by the dynamic duo of Courtney Vandersloot and Allie Quigley. Quigley is a back-to-back three-point competition champion, while Vandersloot is an amazing passer. With their lottery pick, the future in Chicago is bright.

Connecticut Sun

The Sun were third in the Eastern Conference and made the playoffs but were outmatched by the veteran team from Arizona, the Phoenix Mercury. The thing that is amazing about the Sun is that they don’t have one player that leads their team. Their top six players all averaged double digits, making a very well rounded team.

Washington Mystics

Elena Delle Donne

The Mystics are the third best team by record and have former MVP Elena Delle Donne on their team. Though she went down with a scary injury in game two of the semifinals on the 28th, she is currently playing in the championship series. They are legitimate contenders to win the championship this year if Delle Donne’s injury isn’t serious.

Dallas Wings

The Wings are arguably the most exciting team this year. With Skylar Diggins-Smith and Liz Cambage taking the WNBA world by storm, many had high hopes for them this postseason. Although they were eliminated in the first round, they could very well be contenders next season.

Las Vegas Aces

The Aces have one of the brightest futures. They have A’ja Wilson, a rookie who was also an all-star this season. Not only that, but they have the first pick in the upcoming draft. They have the chance at building a strong young core to lead them to a championship.

Los Angeles Sparks

The Sparks were the highlight of the league a few years ago, and are still relevant in the WNBA. Candace Parker, though she has fallen short in this year’s playoffs, is a bonafide star. The Sparks have been a consistently good team for a very long time.

Minnesota Lynx

Liz Cambage guarding Maya Moore

The Lynx have been led by Maya Moore for what seems like forever. An arguable GOAT of the WNBA, Moore and Sylvia Fowles have done well this season, but were eliminated early in the playoffs.

Phoenix Mercury

The Mercury are my favorite team in the playoffs currently. Led by the dominant post player Brittney Griner and the Magic Johnson-esque Diana Taurasi. The last game I watched, the Mercury almost made a spectacular comeback against the stacked Storm. A definite underdog within the league.

Seattle Storm

A powerhouse in the league, the Storm have the 2018 MVP Breanna Stewart on their team. Not only that, but they have veteran Sue Bird who might as well be related to Larry Bird. And beyond that they have an amazing young bench. All of this is enough for the best team in the league, and maybe the best for the next few years.

 

Brittney Griner, from the Phoenix Mercury

In Conclusion

Yes, not everyone in the WNBA can dunk, which may be the cause of why it is not as popular as the NBA, but this is an exciting sport. Another way to look at it is, Look at all the things these women can do without being able to dunk.  Diana Taurasi and Sue Bird are more exciting passers than most point guards in the NBA, and Alex Bentley and Allie Quigley are arguably better shooters than their NBA counterparts. All in all, I am excited to see how the WNBA Finals turn out and even more excited to see what the next season has to offer. Catch the Finals on ESPN2 tonight, Wednesday, September 12.

Editor: Bella Bier

Monster Prom Game Review–Better Than Human Prom (And Cheaper, Too!)

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By Dayton Kennard

 

Hey there! If you watch YouTubers Markiplier, Jacksepticeye, CrankGameplays, or TheRPGMinx, then chances are you’ve seen them play Monster Prom. If you haven’t, then hopefully this post gives you a good idea of what it is.

 

WARNING: Monster Prom would likely be M for MATURE by the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB), meaning that it would generally be suitable for people aged seventeen and up due to sexual content, strong (explicit) language, drug usage, and alcohol consumption. Monster Prom was released on 27 April, 2018, and developed by Beautiful Glitch, programmed by Elías Pereiras, published by Those Awesome Guys, written by Julián Quijano, Cory O’Brien, and Maggie Herskowitz, and illustrated by Arthur Tien.

 

The game itself is a dating sim/visual novel that mocks typical dating sims as well as mocking itself. The game includes easter eggs that can range in allusion from 50 Shades of Grey to Disney. The game also has a built-in multiplayer mode where you and up to three friends can compete to see who gets a date to Prom, or even compete for the love of the same character!

The story takes place at a school called Spooky High in the player’s Senior Year, three weeks before Prom. You’ve narrowed down your prom-date choices to six monsters: Miranda Vanderbilt the Mermaid Princess (age 19), Damien LaVey the Reckless Demon (21), Scott Howl the Werewolf Jock (21), Liam De Lioncourt the Hipster Vampire (4XX), Polly Geist the Party Ghost (22?), and Vera Oberlin the Ruthless Gorgon (23). After the intro, you’ll take Monster Prom’s Stupidest Pop Quiz Ever™ that “will throw a bunch of absurd questions at you and turn your answers into your character’s stats.” Said stats are Smarts, Boldness, Creativity, Charm, Fun, and Money, which affect your interactions with the characters. You’re then introduced to the game with a short tutorial that explains how your character’s stats work, how the activities you do give your certain stats, and how events can either help or harm you.

A few more cool things are that your gender doesn’t affect who you can and can’t date, and there are two game types you can choose from: Short Game (around 30-minutes long) and Full Game (around 60-minutes long). With the goofy situations, fun characters, quick gameplay, and forgiving penalties that you can quickly recover from, Monster Prom is a captivating game with lots of replay value! If this sounds interesting to you, I recommend you head over to the game’s Steam page* and buy it! It’s only $11.99, which is over 50% cheaper than a typical $50 prom ticket!

Editors: Peter Kadel and Bella Bier

*https://store.steampowered.com/app/743450/Monster_Prom/

STOP

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By Jay Walker

 

STOP.

Slow down;

take a deep breath.

Do not enter

that sad place.

Don’t go that way

for it is a

Dead end.

This

Street is closed.

Find another way.

There may be a

Bump

or two,

but there is only

One way

now.

Slow down.

Acknowledge your

Limits.

 

These

are your

Signs.

 

Editor: Luke Langlois

Death is Sexy

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A One-Act by Charles Schnell, former Blog Staffer, now freelancer who aspires to write and publish the book A Hundred Ways to Ruin a Date and Two Hundred Ways to Fix It.

(SAM, a teenage boy, is in his bedroom lying on his bed, preoccupied with his phone. He’s wearing a yarmulke. There’s not much to his room: a bed, a dresser, a desk with a chair, a TV, and a video game console. Then, DEATH—a sexy, flirtatious young lady in her 20s—crawls through the window in nothing but her black undergarments, which have skull designs plastered all over. She’s also boasting a skull-plastered small black backpack. She tumbles onto SAM’s carpeted floor.)

SAM. Holy smoke! What’re you doing?

DEATH. (brushing herself off) Hello, Sam.

SAM. Who are you? Jennifer Aniston?

DEATH. No, I’m Death.

SAM. Is that your supermodel name or….?

DEATH. My real name. Listen, can I sit down? Climbing up here really took a lot out of me. (sits next to him on his bed)

SAM. (looking with eyes full of amazement) Okay, well, what do you want, Death?

DEATH. Do you have any Sprite? I could really use a refreshment.

SAM. Only Sierra Mist.

DEATH. Damn mortals.

SAM. What’re you doing here? You wouldn’t have come all this way just for a Sprite, Death. My parents would kill me if they found a girl like you in my room.

DEATH. (surveying him) Or they would pinch themselves out of disbelief. I’ve come to take you to the afterlife.

SAM. Okay….

DEATH. Your time has come.

SAM. Okay….

DEATH. Now all I need you to do is kiss me.

SAM. (does a double take, acknowledges audience) Okay! (leans in toward her)

(He shuts his eyes and goes in for the kiss. DEATH smiles devilishly and leans in. Just as their lips are about to touch, DEATH burps. Loudly. DEATH jumps up, flustered and embarrassed.)

DEATH. Oh, I’m so embarrassed! I thought I had finished digesting all the others!

SAM. Others?

DEATH. My apologies.

SAM. You mean you…

(Death and Sam speak simultaneously.) DEATH. Would’ve sent your soul to the afterlife and eaten your body?          SAM. Go to other guys houses and kiss them?

DEATH. Yes.          SAM. What!?

DEATH. That is the idea. How else are people supposed to go when it’s their time?

SAM. What do you mean?

DEATH. I’ve already told you, silly. I’m Death!

SAM. So when you said my time was up….

DEATH. Yep!

SAM. Wait, hold on! I don’t want to go yet.

DEATH. Oh, oh, what am I supposed to say here!? Sorry, forgive me it’s my first day on the job. Hold on, let me look at the handbook.

(DEATH pulls out the “BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO TAKING SOULS” out of her small black backpack.)

SAM. Job? Handbook?

DEATH. Ah, yes. Here we go. Ahem…. “We sincerely apologize that you don’t want to go yet. But unfortunately, your time has come. In life, we all must undergo things we do not want to. Nor are those things often ever under our control. For example, one time a man booked a ticket on American Airlines and got stuck next to a corporate lawyer for the entire flight.”

SAM. How’s that supposed to make me feel better?

DEATH. “The irony of this story is that after the flight, the guy wanted his time to come. Sometimes it can be a blessing!”

SAM. Look, I have no idea who you are or what crazy organization you belong to or how much red meat you’ve consumed recently. All I know is that you are very hot and I really want to kiss you. But, you ain’t worth going to the afterlife for!

DEATH. C’mon, kiss me!

SAM. No! If I kiss you, my soul will be sent to the afterlife, right?

DEATH. Yep!

SAM. What if I don’t kiss you?

DEATH. Then I’ll just have to take you normally.

SAM. Normally?

DEATH. Like all the other Deaths.

SAM. So you don’t have to kiss me? Then why do you? Not that I’m complaining.

DEATH. Oh, don’t get so fret up. They assign me to people who haven’t had their first kiss yet. That’s my position. I kiss them out of pity.

SAM. Hey, I’ve had my first kiss!

DEATH. Oh, don’t try to lie to me. In the afterlife, we know all. Besides, your cousin doesn’t count.

(SAM opens his mouth, but can’t think of anything to say to defend himself. He turns to hide his shame, notices his game console, and gets an idea.)

DEATH. Well, are you ready? I’m on a tight schedule. Kiss me already!

SAM. Wait! How about we make a deal? Let’s play a game of Madden. If you win, you get to take me. You don’t even need to kiss me! But if I win, you don’t take my soul and let me keep living.

DEATH. What’s in it for me?

SAM. What? You scared you’re going to lose?

DEATH. Scared!? I’m Death! I’ll have you know that at the office, we all play Madden on our time off! You’re on!

(SAM turns on the console, the TV. SAM sits on the bed while DEATH sits in the desk chair as they face the TV. They start playing.)

SAM: So what’s it like in the after life?

DEATH. Way better than here.

SAM. Really?

DEATH. Yeah! We’ve got Madden, cupcakes, blankets, quality plumbing, almost no bugs, quite profitable crop yields, a true democracy (as opposed to the American system), Dunkin’ Donuts. Plus the stock market is soaring right now.

SAM. Wow, it seems as if the afterlife has no downsides.

DEATH. Well, I wouldn’t say that. You’ve gotta die, and that’s a one-way trip. And, as much as reality sucks, it’s really the only place you can take a nice, hot shower.

SAM. Well, you can’t have everything.

DEATH. And the worst part—we’ve still got serial killers, rapists, and insurance salesmen.

(They focus on the game for a beat.)

DEATH. Ha! Interception!

SAM. I’m still up by 7…. So, how long have you been doing this death gig?

DEATH. About three days.

SAM. A newbie?

DEATH. Yep!

SAM. How many people have you kissed so far?

DEATH. 240.

SAM. Were you human before this or….?

DEATH. Nope. I was created three days ago.

SAM. By who?

DEATH. Death! My brothers and sisters and I are all extensions of Death.

SAM. Do you have any allergies?

DEATH. Nuts. Death is VERY allergic to nuts.

SAM. Really? Nuts are the weakness, huh? Nuts: the key to immortality.

DEATH. Oops. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that. Ah!

SAM. And another touchdown for me! Halftime show!

(SAM gets up and dances. He pulls out his phone and blasts “Get Down Tonight” by KC and the Sunshine Band.)

DEATH. What are you doing?

SAM. I’m winning. I’m cheating Death. This calls for a celebration!

DEATH. Not so fast. Look, half time’s over. Here comes my comeback!

SAM. You’re down by 21….

DEATH. Zip it.

(Sam stops the music and returns to the game, and thus the conversation.)

SAM. So, Death, I guess you know everything about the universe, right?

DEATH. Yes.

SAM. Can I ask you some questions that plague my existentialist mind?

DEATH. Sure.

SAM. Are there any restaurants in the afterlife? If so, how late are they open and what are their Yelp scores?

DEATH. Well, to put things simply, have you ever tried the KFC breakfast specials on a Tuesday morning?

SAM. Yeah.

DEATH. Afterlife food is worse.

SAM. Well, that’s great. At least I can finally lose some weight.

DEATH. Better late than never.

SAM. You know, a bunch of people think that the creation story is a myth, but is evolution really real?

DEATH. This is still quite a heated debate in the afterlife. However, let me put it this way: Evolution is the idea that we’re evolving, or, in other words, getting better as a species, and looking at you, clearly that’s not the case.

SAM. We sure are getting better at Madden though.

DEATH. Yeah, yeah…. You say as I tie up the game!

SAM. Marvelous.  

DEATH. One minute left!

SAM. (attains a serious tone, while still focusing on the game) Hey, Death….

DEATH. (still focused on the game) What!?

SAM. (glances at her, but his priorities are still clearly the game) You’re… really sexy.

DEATH. I know.

SAM. I think… I want to take you up on that kiss.

DEATH. (drops attention to game) You know what’ll happen right?

SAM. (glances at her more, but still pressing buttons occasionally) Yeah, and after hearing about how great the afterlife is, how could I not kiss you?

DEATH. Come here, Sam. Kiss me as if your death depends on it.

(He inches his lips closer and closer to hers. Just as the lips are about to touch….)

SAM. And touchdown! (he celebrates) I ran out the clock and scored at the last second, look!

DEATH. You mischievous midget, I’m gonna kill you!

SAM. Nuh-uh. A deal’s a deal. I’ve won my life! I never lose!

DEATH. (giving him one last glance over) Clearly.

SAM. Buh-bye Death!

DEATH. I don’t get paid enough for this. My brothers and sisters are never gonna let this up! Agh! Farewell, kid. I’ve got other prepubescent boys who need their dreams fulfilled.

SAM. Are you referring to the kissing or dying?

DEATH. Exactly.

(She runs and dives through the window and crashes through the glass, forgetting she closed it earlier)

DEATH. (from outside and below) Ow! My pelvis!

MOTHER. (offstage) Sam! What was that?

FATHER. (offstage) I told you to stop throwing the controller when you lose, damn it!

(BLACKOUT)

Editor: Luke Langlois

A Misportrayed Krab

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By new-to-the-2018-19-birdonfire staff, Blogger Luke Langlois

 

What’s the first word you think of when presented with our favorite animated restaurant owner, Mr. Krabs? It could be something like red, shiny, or even pointy-nosed. Unfortunately, the most prominent description of Mr. Krabs is “cheap.” How often do people use the word “cheap” in a good light? If you’re in need of a bag of Doritos, and a friend won’t lend a dollar, you’d call that friend cheap. If someone gets genuinely excited by a penny on the floor, they’re cheap. If your employer sells your soul for sixty-two cents, they’re cheap. By all accounts, Eugene Krabs has shown himself to be the stereotypical cheapskate. Society would like you to think that being the dictionary definition of a cheapskate is NOT a good thing. Though, is Mr. Krabs truly a cheap crab at heart? Or, is he an overly generous employer? After a brief look at some numbers, the answer is pretty clear.

Let’s take a look at the typical fast-food employee of the United States and compare it to Mr. Krab’s employees. In the United States, someone in the fast food industry is paid about $18,000 a year. In most large cities, the median rent per month for an average apartment would be at least $1,000. Without covering taxes, or any other basic need, that would amount to $12,000 a year, a majority of the salary of an average employee. Clearly, the average fast food employee does not make even close to enough to live in a safe apartment in the city while covering any other basic needs or amenities. How miserable! Who could ever work in the fast-food industry and live a fulfilled life? Spongebob and Squidward could.

Now, we can take a look at Spongebob and Squidward, Mr. Krabs’s two most loyal employees of nearly twenty years. Both of these fast-food employees are clearly able to provide for themselves. They have sizable and safe households. Besides being the owners of safe and decently sized domiciles, Spongebob and Squidward live in the outskirts of a prime city under the ocean.  As far as us viewers know, there are no other major cities in existence in the Spongebob universe. Adding on to this, the most desirable homes in cities are usually the suburban ones, such as Spongebob’s pineapple or Squidward’s Easter Island Head. To sum it up, these employees live in safe and spacious homes in the prime of this aquatic metropolis. Not only that, but Spongebob and Squidward have been known to have more than just basic needs. Spongebob is well known for his expert caretaking as well as jellyfishing. Like Spongebob, Squidward is able to pursue his passions. He paints, plays the clarinet, and even takes dance lessons. These are all expensive pursuits, especially in a capitalist society! In comparison to our above-water society, Squidward and Spongebob are paid exceptionally well for their seemingly mundane jobs in the fast-food industry.

Does the point not drive itself home? Mr. Krabs, mistakenly portrayed as a cheap and horrible crab to work for, is in fact one of the most generous people you could EVER work for. If you hear anyone call Mr. Krabs cheap, sit them down and make sure their minds are forever changed.

 

DISCLAIMER: While Mr. Krabs pays generously and allows his two employees to live a good life, he has made a few mistakes. Luke does not personally support the following: thievery, counterfeiting, 24/7 labor, selling the souls of employees, assault of employees, jellyfish slavery, grave robbery, attempted murder, or charging people for breathing.

 

Editor: Bella Bier

A Madman

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thebirdonfire.org returns to hosting student poetry, fiction, essays, op-ed pieces, graphic art, events, and various schoolyard shenanigans. We launch the new school year with a poem from blog staffer and poet, sophomore Leo Milmet.

 

By Leo Milmet

 

I wrote like a madman, hiding in the laundry room.

I ended the note with a smiley face.

Then, out of the house, and

Into the fire.

Note in pocket,

I walked him home from school.

“I love you. See you tomorrow.”

He hugged me to death, as if he knew….

I walked home, got the rope, and went into the garage.

The door opened and closed.

ERR ERRR ERRR ERRR

Then silence.

I took a drink. I tied the rope. And died.

They found me peaceful, relaxed, quiet, a

Smile on my face, just like in the note.

 

Editor: Bella Bier

Goodbye until next year!

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Hey, everyone! I just want to take a moment to thank everyone for sticking with us since the revival of our blog, The Bird on Fire, last September. It has been a really fun ride with everyone both in the blog class and our readers. This year you’ve seen posts from Blog Class members Claire, Renée, Peter, Makena, Shelby, Leo, Charles, AJ, Bella, and myself, Brennan. You’ve also seen posts from guest bloggers Holden Hartle, Jackson Dean, Daniel Romo, and Luke Langlois. Finally, you’ve seen posts from Harlow Berny and several anonymous bloggers. All of these people have contributed towards making the Blog what it is today. But, none of this would have been possible without Supreme Overlord Zachik. She has done more than what I can list here. I am speaking for the entire Blog Class when I say to her, “THANK YOU!!!”.

 

Now, we are at a point where our blog is going to be relatively inactive until the next school year and our constant stream of posts is going to be on pause. I would like to take this moment as our last post this year to say goodbye to both our readers and to our one senior, Peter. Peter has been with us the entire year to help with our shenanigans and now he goes on to live life in the big, wide world in college. Peter Nicholaus Kadel will be missed.

 

We will be excited to return in September, and you better believe that we will come back stronger than ever. Goodbye, until next year!

 

From, Brennan